Oh wow this hits so hard. I just finished writing the acknowledgements for my first book. I've read so many "To child1 and child2, thank you for letting Mommy leave the house and I'm so sorry I didn't spend more time with you." I just...didn't feel the same way. But I didn't feel the opposite, either ("Thanks god I have this work because otherwise I'd die in a pit of motherhood"). I ended up writing, "I hope you will one day be in the frustrating but ultimately lucky position of feeling torn between the people and the work you love." That's the truest thing I could think of.
This was so perfectly stated. Your writing is so evocative of this particular aspect of motherhood. I want to share with you another writer's (and mother's) thoughts on this because it was exactly in the same vein and it was a balm to read. Sarah Ruhl wrote 100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater. It is wonderful. I hope you like it.
And here I am, children grown, my time my own again, marveling (okay, kicking myself) because BESS, with her
Life full of moving parts, is turning out wisdom that has kept me going these past rocky months, while I have simply stared into the abyss, despite my huge stretches of empty time… xo You are out of your slump. Thanks for helping me dig out of mine
Currently in the bear trap (only one kid, but plus a full-time job outside the home) and the agony is real. I miss the huge stretches of time for thinking and creating, but I also know my daughter has given me unfathomable depth from which to draw once I have the time again.
This is so beautiful and sad a true! I’m not an artist by trade, I’m a doctor but I still feel many of these same things as a mom of young kids. Also, that poem is incredible🥹
Wow this made me cry. The anxiety of making every moment count, the both annoyance and the pleasure of all the kid logistics, the beautiful poem. Your writing means so much to me in this phase of life. Thank you for sharing it.
This hits home even though I am a man (disgusting) and a father (ugh), I'm wrestling every day with wanting to do good, important work but wondering if my kids aren't already the most important thing I'll ever do. If they aren't, shouldn't they be? If they are, should I quit my job and focus everything on them? If I do that, would I be miserable and thus a worse father? Would they even care if I spent more time with them? What if I asked them and they said "No thanks, we're good." Mission accomplished or failed? I'm not going to ask them because I don't want to get their hopes up or my ego crushed.
So true! Childrearing and creativity often clash. I feel your angst—women creatives are too often expected to set aside their brilliance to focus on their children when they become mothers. (Die Patriarchy!!!)
I'd married in my mid-20s, had three kids in a decade, and put my Graphic Design career on hold after the third (daycare=$$$). I remember being so nostalgic for my younger, carefree college days, where I’d spend entire afternoons lost in painting, where time flew until the light dimmed outside the studio, and I’d rush across campus to catch the last scraps of dinner at the cafeteria.
Being home with kids is simply all-consuming, and I remember my ability to focus on making art went "poof!" LOL. Sure, I started painting commissioned house and pet portraits when my son started grammar school, but that outlet never matched the fulfillment of losing myself in that high-ceilinged studio, creating something that felt, well, sacred and authentic.
Life, however, brings new beginnings. (Yay Menopause—oh great rite of passage that brings both challenges and gifts, that shifts one's perspectives and opens up new purpose!) Now, I have time and space to let creativity flow again, to bring something else beautiful and meaningful into the world—“children” of my heart, if not my body. 2025's my year ;)
But, oh, Dear Bess, thank you for persevering and writing so beautifully through this challenging season of life. I hope you know yours is a voice of wisdom and humor so many gain so much from! Just keep going! And remember, it gets better.
Thank you for writing this. My heart aches for me and for you. Modern parenting is an oxymoron, an impossibility. Also: up to 10% paid subscribers!! Well done!! I remember when that number was like 6 or something!
Hard relate. And then, for me, the contrast between the rhythms and tasks of writing, which I fall into naturally even when the work is hard and isn't going well, and the rhythms and tasks of parenting, which feel to me like trying to navigate a foreign country in a language I do not speak. Sit for hours in focused solitude? No problem. Make an appointment over the phone and try to soothe a child's hurt feelings and drive to this place and that place and comparison shop and attempt to network with other parents and ADAPT TO THE UNEXPECTED (shudder)? The contrast is stark. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid, it's that doing the thing that makes me feel like I'm drowning makes me long for the thing that makes me feel like all my mental gears are properly aligned, and is that so wrong? Apparently part of me thinks so, because it sure triggers the guilt.
I feel this so deeply - I am working on a doctoral dissertation while working full time and mothering 2 beautiful children. And all I want to do is shop online for the perfect slippers for them instead of this hard, deep work of thinking and writing (which absolutely cannot be done in 3 hour chunks of time!). You are a gem, you are a perfectly imperfect human. Happy Hanukkah from a devoted follower from Seattle!
Oh wow this hits so hard. I just finished writing the acknowledgements for my first book. I've read so many "To child1 and child2, thank you for letting Mommy leave the house and I'm so sorry I didn't spend more time with you." I just...didn't feel the same way. But I didn't feel the opposite, either ("Thanks god I have this work because otherwise I'd die in a pit of motherhood"). I ended up writing, "I hope you will one day be in the frustrating but ultimately lucky position of feeling torn between the people and the work you love." That's the truest thing I could think of.
This was so perfectly stated. Your writing is so evocative of this particular aspect of motherhood. I want to share with you another writer's (and mother's) thoughts on this because it was exactly in the same vein and it was a balm to read. Sarah Ruhl wrote 100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater. It is wonderful. I hope you like it.
https://bookshop.org/p/books/100-essays-i-don-t-have-time-to-write-on-umbrellas-and-sword-fights-parades-and-dogs-fire-alarms-children-and-theater-sarah-ruhl/8483584?ean=9780374535674
I can't even imagine writing anything when I
had 2 little boys running around. I would always nap after I took them
to day care. I have officially added you to the Wonder Woman club (WW), which a friend and I started many years ago.
I always napped, too.....
And here I am, children grown, my time my own again, marveling (okay, kicking myself) because BESS, with her
Life full of moving parts, is turning out wisdom that has kept me going these past rocky months, while I have simply stared into the abyss, despite my huge stretches of empty time… xo You are out of your slump. Thanks for helping me dig out of mine
Currently in the bear trap (only one kid, but plus a full-time job outside the home) and the agony is real. I miss the huge stretches of time for thinking and creating, but I also know my daughter has given me unfathomable depth from which to draw once I have the time again.
This. No notes.
Agreed!
I relate to this so powerfully as a writer and teacher and mom of two. Thank you.
This is so beautiful and sad a true! I’m not an artist by trade, I’m a doctor but I still feel many of these same things as a mom of young kids. Also, that poem is incredible🥹
Wow this made me cry. The anxiety of making every moment count, the both annoyance and the pleasure of all the kid logistics, the beautiful poem. Your writing means so much to me in this phase of life. Thank you for sharing it.
I've lived this. It does get easier as kids get older, I promise. But the unfairness of it still rankles.
This hits home even though I am a man (disgusting) and a father (ugh), I'm wrestling every day with wanting to do good, important work but wondering if my kids aren't already the most important thing I'll ever do. If they aren't, shouldn't they be? If they are, should I quit my job and focus everything on them? If I do that, would I be miserable and thus a worse father? Would they even care if I spent more time with them? What if I asked them and they said "No thanks, we're good." Mission accomplished or failed? I'm not going to ask them because I don't want to get their hopes up or my ego crushed.
I think you should stop asking so many questions.
Just do it.
So true! Childrearing and creativity often clash. I feel your angst—women creatives are too often expected to set aside their brilliance to focus on their children when they become mothers. (Die Patriarchy!!!)
I'd married in my mid-20s, had three kids in a decade, and put my Graphic Design career on hold after the third (daycare=$$$). I remember being so nostalgic for my younger, carefree college days, where I’d spend entire afternoons lost in painting, where time flew until the light dimmed outside the studio, and I’d rush across campus to catch the last scraps of dinner at the cafeteria.
Being home with kids is simply all-consuming, and I remember my ability to focus on making art went "poof!" LOL. Sure, I started painting commissioned house and pet portraits when my son started grammar school, but that outlet never matched the fulfillment of losing myself in that high-ceilinged studio, creating something that felt, well, sacred and authentic.
Life, however, brings new beginnings. (Yay Menopause—oh great rite of passage that brings both challenges and gifts, that shifts one's perspectives and opens up new purpose!) Now, I have time and space to let creativity flow again, to bring something else beautiful and meaningful into the world—“children” of my heart, if not my body. 2025's my year ;)
But, oh, Dear Bess, thank you for persevering and writing so beautifully through this challenging season of life. I hope you know yours is a voice of wisdom and humor so many gain so much from! Just keep going! And remember, it gets better.
Happy Hanukkah.
Thank you for writing this. My heart aches for me and for you. Modern parenting is an oxymoron, an impossibility. Also: up to 10% paid subscribers!! Well done!! I remember when that number was like 6 or something!
File under nonfiction.
Hard relate. And then, for me, the contrast between the rhythms and tasks of writing, which I fall into naturally even when the work is hard and isn't going well, and the rhythms and tasks of parenting, which feel to me like trying to navigate a foreign country in a language I do not speak. Sit for hours in focused solitude? No problem. Make an appointment over the phone and try to soothe a child's hurt feelings and drive to this place and that place and comparison shop and attempt to network with other parents and ADAPT TO THE UNEXPECTED (shudder)? The contrast is stark. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid, it's that doing the thing that makes me feel like I'm drowning makes me long for the thing that makes me feel like all my mental gears are properly aligned, and is that so wrong? Apparently part of me thinks so, because it sure triggers the guilt.
I feel this so deeply - I am working on a doctoral dissertation while working full time and mothering 2 beautiful children. And all I want to do is shop online for the perfect slippers for them instead of this hard, deep work of thinking and writing (which absolutely cannot be done in 3 hour chunks of time!). You are a gem, you are a perfectly imperfect human. Happy Hanukkah from a devoted follower from Seattle!