You know what I'm also doing a coup

Sorry, Elon Musk, but I'm the new daddy now.

Hey, guys!

I just got a royalties check from the children’s book I wrote and I have decided I’m going to put it toward a coup of the United States Government!

I’m super excited because I’ve always wanted to seize control of a floundering global superpower grasping for any remaining hope of the sanctity of law.

But sadly for the American experiment, I have come into mid-four figures, and now it is over. And I am hereby in charge I guess.

So, now that I am an ALMOST six-thousandaire, it is time for me to take Svengali-like control of the executive branch, and then gut and mangle each aspect the federal government to do my bidding.

First things first: Train to Maine. My in-laws live in Maine, and we live in New York City. This means twice a year, we have to drive our VERY young children seven hours to see their grandparents. This changes today. In my first act as kleptocrat, I will make all the trains go from Brooklyn to the very small coastal town in Maine where Grandma Cece and Grandpa Jack live. The estimated cost to taxpayers for this project is about $400 million give or take another $500 million, and I think that’s a small price to pay for us being able to sit on a train where they can walk around and not bother us while we work on our laptops.

Secondly: Universal healthcare, comprehensive paid family leave, and equal rights for all, including civil, reproductive, LGBT, and other. This is also important.

Thirdly: Garbage day is every other day. Guess what. If you miss garbage day, that should not be a life-ruining mistake. Now that I have earned close to $6k from the sales of a children’s book, we will MANUFACTURE more garbage trucks (um, jobs much?) and make the trucks pick up the garbage more frequently.

Fourth: Save the planet. We’re going to shift entirely to renewable energy. I have like nine friends from (AN ALMOST INCREDIBLE) college who all do that professionally, and they will run it. I’m talking solar, wind, fusion, and truly anything that isn’t drilling for oil. This is important because the fate of all life on earth depends on it. Besides, there is going to be a LOT more garbage so we need to basically do this at the same time as the “Every Other Day is Garbage Day” plan.

Fifth: Suggestion box! Part of being a wealth-hoarder who has ingratiated herself to a senile lunatic president whose only weakness is flattery and proximity to power is BEING A GOOD LISTENER. I’m anticipating most suggestions will be to stop arming foreign conflict and to promote lasting peace abroad, so we will look to that! As a very, very wealthy person now, it’s really the least I can do.

Thank you all so much for buying the book that made this coup possible, and I am thrilled to take control of such an unstable and well-armed failed state. As I famously said to every single boyfriend before I met my nice husband: It doesn’t matter that you are irreparably broken, because I alone can fix you.

And I know just the $5,713.86 palmed directly into Donald Trump’s clammy little hand that will do it.

All hail me!

Sincerely,

Bess