Some things to do now that TikTok is banned
A partial list
Learn about birds. Most of them are brown and grey, but one is red, one is blue, and some have a bit of yellow on the wing I think!
Tap your fingernails on a skincare product alone in the privacy of an un-filmed room.
Experience a meal. What does it taste like? Who is around you? Do you believe in God?
Read information from a news source that employs fact-checkers.
Let your body soften into its natural shape. Release your desire to be smaller and swell with the weight of all you contain and all you have carried. Roar at your elective Ozempic dose and eat a pain au chocolat dipped into a whole milk latte. Undulate under the moon as you howl and howl. Reject the people who have ever enforced anything but joy at the space you take up, and claim the largest throne you can. Behold your body mass as a source of sheer gravitational power. Make the core of the earth work harder to hold you down.
Go to yoga!
Read a book written before you were born and realize you are time traveling and that the enduring genius of the past can teach you more than the immediacy of a stranger in the present.
Be sad that your favorite little brain candy app is gone at a time when you needed to see the lip reading expert decode what everyone is saying at the inaugur*tion tomorrow.
Kiss a loved one beneath the milky twilight.
Feel nothing.
Get really into Instagram.
M’am you just need to know you are a genius! I am taking up space and needed this reinforcement
Happy final hours of democracy to all of you!
Now that this day has finally arrived, I should probably come clean, while I still can, re the real reasons for my longstanding interest in this platform. They are a)intellectual and b) carnal.
Speaking only for myself, a practicing Presbyterian of 30 years, I can't imagine anything sexier than the concept of an adult Jewish woman with a clever, blazing brain. For example, I'm going through a Noga Tarnopolsky phase right now that I may be unable to escape. The wild dark mane, vast eyes and smile, her expert explanations of relationships in The Region, oy vey.
I found a pic of Noga in her 20's recently, online, fully clothed, and I'm telling you, this woman is the returned Eve, as in Genesis 2-3 Eve, first-ever specifically named mammalian female biped, fashioned from a man's rib and ready to rock. As Billy Joel once sang, "She;s got a way about her."
Same goes for the equally gifted hostess of this platform. Please consider praying for me and other equally obsessed straight Protestant men today, on our Sabbath; again tomorrow, for our country's future; and every day in thanks for The Grudge Report.
Shalom, and Go Rams.