Some Things to Do During an Earthquake

A helpful guide from someone who's been there done that!

• Sit up very straight in your chair and scream “OH NO!”

• Run into the napping baby’s room, turn on all the lights, and scoop him up from his safe nice crib.

• While he is half-conscious, huddle in the middle of the room with your body over his and yell: “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY MOMMY’S HERE!”

• Put still-asleep baby back down in his crib.

• Run into the kitchen and for whatever reason check to see if the gas is on.

• Shout at your husband “CALL THE GAS COMPANY AND HAVE THEM TURN THE GAS OFF!”

• Explain to your husband that you don’t CARE if that’s not a known ISSUE, we cannot turn this place into a ticking GAS bomb.

• Remember you have ANOTHER CHILD.

• A child who is in a “SCHOOL” that was built in probably the eighteen fucking hundreds and doesn’t even have a working elevator.

• Run outside and start to sprint to the school.

• Slow down.

• Stop.

• Turn around.

• Go into the smoothie shop that is always closed, but it is opened.

• Ask the cool person behind the counter “Did you feel that?”

• When he says, “What?” say, “An earthquake.”

• When he says, “Oh. No.” say “Oh.”

• Order a smoothie and pay the ridiculous price.

• Tip 20% on the fucking iPad guilt machine of ruin.

• Drink the smoothie.

• Walk home.

• Get into bed.

• Start again tomorrow.