Some Things to Do During an Earthquake
A helpful guide from someone who's been there done that!
Sit up very straight in your chair and scream “OH NO!”
Run into the napping baby’s room, turn on all the lights, and scoop him up from his safe nice crib.
While he is half-conscious, huddle in the middle of the room with your body over his and yell: “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY MOMMY’S HERE!”
Put still-asleep baby back down in his crib.
Run into the kitchen and for whatever reason check to see if the gas is on.
Shout at your husband “CALL THE GAS COMPANY AND HAVE THEM TURN THE GAS OFF!”
Explain to your husband that you don’t CARE if that’s not a known ISSUE, we cannot turn this place into a ticking GAS bomb.
Remember you have ANOTHER CHILD.
A child who is in a “SCHOOL” that was built in probably the eighteen fucking hundreds and doesn’t even have a working elevator.
Run outside and start to sprint to the school.
Slow down.
Stop.
Turn around.
Go into the smoothie shop that is always closed, but it is opened.
Ask the cool person behind the counter “Did you feel that?”
When he says, “What?” say, “An earthquake.”
When he says, “Oh. No.” say “Oh.”
Order a smoothie and pay the ridiculous price.
Tip 20% on the fucking iPad guilt machine of ruin.
Drink the smoothie.
Walk home.
Get into bed.
Start again tomorrow.
I am constantly beset upon by fucking iPad guilt machines of ruin!
Are earthquakes more chill when they happen in Los Angeles? My heart is still racing 2.5 hours later…