Some Things JD Vance Did Not Do

And any suggestion he did these things are absolutely unfounded

• JD Vance does not require Children’s Dramamine before car trips longer than one hour.

• JD Vance does not relieve himself in a tiny Paw Patrol training potty, and bring several on the campaign trail in case he needs to “go bathroom.”

• JD Vance does not refer to any part of his own body or his older brother’s body as his “Pee pee hole.”

• JD Vance does not loudly and frantically question, in public restrooms, where his mother’s penis is.

• JD Vance is aware that biological females have their own “pee pee holes” and they are inside their bodies, instead of outside like his.

• JD Vance is aware that humans do not lay eggs, and the egg he came from was inside his mama’s body, not outside.

• JD Vance knows he does not have eggs in his body, and he does not need to worry about them hatching. He has not pointed to his belly and asked, “Where JD eggs?”

• JD Vance did not point to a visibly pregnant person at a restaurant and exclaim, “She ate eggs!”

• JD Vance understands that when his mother was pregnant with him, it was not because she ate an egg.

• JD Vance is not at all concerned that when his mother eats eggs, she is going to have “a tiny baby.”

• JD Vance understands that the eggs that he eats in the morning are from chickens, but they are not chicken babies, and he does not need to cry.

• JD Vance knows that he and his brother did not come out of Mama’s…um… “pee pee hole” in a penis, but rather her vagina, which is part of her body.

• JD Vance did not say, “I sorry mama,” when she told him she does not have a penis.

• JD Vance knows that some bodies have vaginas and some have penises, and every body is special.

• JD Vance knows that no matter how many eggs he eats, he will not grow a baby and a vagina.

• JD Vance knows that Dada can not have a baby, but Dada did contribute cells to make him and his brother.

• JD Vance knows that the reason Dada does not have babies in his belly is he was not born with eggs inside him.

• JD Vance did not suggest his Dada eat more eggs so he could have a baby.

• JD Vance is not worried a baby will come out of his penis if he eats too many eggs.

• JD Vance does not fall out of his big boy bed if we forget to put the pool noodle under his bottom sheet as a bumper.

• When JD Vance was going back to bed last night, he did not ask sleepily if since he is not a baby anymore, he is once again an egg.