Solicited Advice

I hope this doesn't ruin anyone's life!

I am not a therapist, but I am the daughter of a therapist, so I am a therapist. You asked, and now I will do my best to answer:

What is the best way to end a friendship? Not for any big sin or issue that needs discussion, but boredom. Slow fade/ghosting hasn’t been working. - Mariana

Oh no, I am unfortunately going to answer this with a series of vaguely Talmudic questions. First: Why do you find this person boring? Are they “boring” because you find them talking about things that don’t align with your values? Is this person “boring” because they talk about themselves without any real conversational generosity? Are they boring because they talk about things that you find frivolous and petty but not in a fun way? Are they boring because they are frequently talking about the SAME issue or drama or concern in a recursive loop of unexamined behavior? Define the thing, because there is always, even if it’s small, a thing! Then: Do you really want an irrevocable breakup or more of a distancing due to the shifting seasons of life? If the former: Bring up the thing. This is terrifying but it’s the reason for your ghosting and this person cannot take a fucking hint, so you might as well be clear about it. As someone raised in the Reform Jewish Synagogue of Passive Aggression Until Someone Explodes, I think ghosting is horrible and a mostly ineffective tool for non-communication so I recommend a happy medium: The gentle direct hit. Let’s say this person will not shut the fuck up about their collection of rare antique mouse figurines. Next time they text you to hang out, try something to the effect of “Hi! Sorry for being MIA. I really don’t mean this as anything but a reflection of my capacity to be there for you, but I’m just trying to take a bit of space from the mouse figurines right now. I appreciate you! And I know you will figure it out — I just can’t really handle it right now! (then the vague white heart emoji)” Or just be nice and get over it and realize this person could DIE at any minute and you have enough in common that they want to hang out with YOU and invite them to a group thing coming up because even if they’re annoying, so are we all, and at least we can be occasionally kind. Or you could have a baby and blame the baby.

---

My 4 year old has recently become a picky eater. Should I care and try to fight it, or just ride it out? - EBB

I try not to write about my actual children in case they read this some day, but let’s just say I know a specific young man very well, we met at Cedars Sinai hospital five years ago when I pushed him out of my body, and when he turned three, he basically stopped eating all foods except for butter noodles, waffles with peanut butter, SOME cheese, baby carrots (!?), french fries with ketchup, and every-berry-and-vegetable-on-earth smoothies if I put sprinkles on them. This happened the day I gave birth to his little brother. Here’s what I suggest: Talk to your pediatrician. There are books. There are recipes. There are TECHNIQUES. There are other parents who will JUDGE you and make you want to die. But mostly: There is almost always something going on in the kid’s life and food pickiness is quite developmentally appropriate as a way to cope with a broader lack of control. It’s difficult for you both! Having a child is basically gaslighting a deeply unstable person into behaving normally. But yes, your pediatrician has actual advice about this and all I can say is: Solidarity. One day, hopefully not long from now, they will casually take a bite of a chicken skewer at a restaurant and you will excuse yourself to weep on the sidewalk. And in the meantime, try the sprinkles trick.

---

what the hell do I do about my flagging career, Bess, what

-Helen

Helen, you are my friend and you are a genius and I have no idea. To be a creative person and make a career out of it you either need to have extremely rich parents or spouse so you can fail and try until either something hits or you give up, or get a steady job doing the thing that doesn’t exactly fan the burning embers of your creative fire (I AM A PROFESSIONAL THIS IS GOOD WRITING), but satisfies you enough that you don’t hate yourself. What I’m saying is: Have you considered being a celebrity’s daughter?

I’ll also say something financially dumb but spiritually smart: Rest on your laurels for a bit! You are established in your career and have cheering fans and an acclaimed podcast and everyone you meet is more sparkling for your presence. Go sit by the sea and eat some cheese and congratulate yourself for having done ANYTHING.

This isn’t for you, but more in general for anyone reading this wondering how to “break in” to a comedy or writing industry: To be a writer, I took any job that paid me to write, no matter what. I fact-checked, I wrote listicles for a men’s magazine. I reviewed tech products. I wrote freelance sports articles. I used any opportunity to write as a tiny audition to show what I could do, and I turned it in on time and didn’t give anyone trouble. Then when I got THE OPPORTUNITY, a 13-week trial period writing for a TV show when I was 25, I threw every single thing in my life away to hold onto that job for dear fucking life. I moved to LA and rented an illegal pool house with an outdoor refrigerator behind a house that did not have a pool. I wrote every day like my life depended on it, because it did! And I loved the show! Even though it wasn’t “my” thing, I was a child and the world didn’t need “my” fucking thing. It was the most valuable time in my life as a writer and it took all eight years of me being there and putting the team above myself to become adept enough to one day run my own writer’s room. I couldn’t have done Yearly Departed if it weren’t for Kimmel. So finding the thing that leads to THE THING was, in my case, the way to go.

There is absolutely no shame in the side gig. Vonnegut was a car dealer. Harper Lee sold airline tickets. Being a writer often means there are large periods of no work and you need to figure out another way to sustain things.

For instance! This very Substack is why I can develop TV shows that won’t pay me a cent until they sell to a streamer or network. Thank the LORD for you all. If it weren’t for this newsletter, instead of writing to all of you I’d have to do punch-up on movies about teenage boys pretending to be cops or write “fun” copy for Doritos or something. And one day when this all goes away, I will!

But until then, my advice is really simple: Keep going. Keep fucking going. Because if you are good, then someone will eventually recognize that, and pay you for it. And you, Helen, are good.