My Son's 2024 Preschool Commencement Speech

So moving.

Friends, family, Mommy.

Today I stand before you unsure as to what is happening.

You are all here, you are taking videos, some of you are crying, and you are telling us you are proud of us. And I know, in my heart, it likely means, at the end of the day, I will get ice cream.

If you’ll indulge me a moment, I will tell you why:

Grandparents are here.

When more than two grandparents are here, it is for one of three reasons that all guarantee ice cream.

The first: You are having another baby.

The second: It is my birthday.

The third: It is a third thing.

I know, due to you telling Dada “I can barely fucking handle two” that you are not having another baby.

I also know, because it is not the one calendar day I have memorized, that it is not my birthday.

Therefore, it is a third thing. When you asked me if I understood what it means to graduate preschool, I told you, from the bottom of my heart, “No.”

But I think all of us today are united in one common belief. Whatever this is, whatever is happening, even if we, as Eleanor and Aiden have demonstrated, cry throughout this entire thing: We. Will. All. Get. Ice. Cream. After. This.

Yesterday, I put on a regular shirt and did not get ice cream.

But today is a day I put on a fancy shirt with buttons and will get ice cream.

So, to the class of 2024, as you go forth out of this classroom covered in balloons we cannot take home — yes, Aiden, even you [PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER] — you have a decision to make.

Chocolate or vanilla? Rainbow sprinkles or plain?

The answer, is vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. And, because our shirts are fancy, it has to be in a cup.

I also want to be clear: Not vanilla “bean.” Plain vanilla. Without the dots.

Thank you. Thank you to our teachers. Thank you to our parents. And thank you to Octonauts, Bluey, Ninjago, Storybots, Frozen, Frozen 2, and Moana. We could not have done this without you.

Let’s get some ice cream.

And mommy, I am not walking.