My Mother's Notes for the Nanny on the Afternoon Routine

Don't feel obligated to remember it all on the first day!

School Pickup

Bess generally picks up her oldest child from school. When he was a baby, she left her job at a late night television show (Was it Jimmy Corden? I know it wasn’t John Oliver, whom we watch.) so that she could be a more attentive mother. For whatever reason, she continues to work on her “own projects,” including one where she had to pump milk in a trailer, which is about the most horrific thing I could imagine. There she was - breasts out lactating into a machine, while crew men took cigarette breaks on the other side of the trailer “door.” Anyhow, if she’s off working, you’ll have to pick up my oldest grandchild, and get the full report from the teachers about how his day was specifically. Often Bess will just rush in and whisk him out of there, but it’s their job to inform each parent as to what on earth happened to their child that day. Did he eat nicely? Was he warm? What did he have to say about the books they read? Are the other children respecting him? What did they do to encourage him intellectually? What sorts of academic drills or workbooks should Bess be doing at home to give him a leg up on next year’s Pre-K curriculum? These are the baseline minimum questions to ask and if you record the answers as a voice note on your telephone you can send them along to me.

Snack

Under no circumstances are you to feed the children the processed granola bar hamster food garbage Bess has in the pantry. Make them something from scratch and give them something that doesn’t have Elmo on the wrapper for once in their life.

Playground

After snack, it’s time for the children to blow off steam at the playground, but don’t be fooled - this is hardly play, it’s a networking opportunity for you all. Be prepared to engage with the other nannies and mothers of children of the same intellectual and developmental caliber. If their playmates are just not on the same level as my grandchildren, steer them elsewhere. The older child will engage in imaginative play, but that could be quickly stifled by some neighborhood kid who’s behind him linguistically. Remember: This is a chance for them to connect with peers, not get dragged down into some latchkey scrimmage. Also: The baby is under no uncertain terms to use any equipment unless you are holding him firmly with both hands and ensuring all other children stay away. Bess will talk a big game about “gaining independence” but you know what he’ll gain instead? Stitches.

Dinner

Throw out everything in Bess’ refrigerator every other day and start again. She likes to “meal prep” which is her generation’s term for “listeria buffet.”

Bath

If she’s not too busy doing G-d-knows-what on her computer, Bess will be home to give the children baths and put them to bed. She has missed this exactly twice in their lives while on calls with the west coast (Don’t remind me. She used to live there.) but it’s important not to let her forget that. Even though she says she can “handle it,” the boys are getting slippery and large and if her husband can’t be there (he has a real job and can’t drop everything to play Mary Poppins at the drop of a hat when he has work responsibilities!) you’ll need to shadow her for backup. She’ll say she doesn’t need help, but I’ve seen her try and fail to fold the stroller into the back of a cab, and it wasn’t pretty. Let’s just say whatever “yoga” videos she does are purely for entertainment value.

If you get her in a good mood, mention she might want to start lifting very small weights occasionally. Tell her it’s your idea.