Increasingly Emotionally Manipulative Texts From the DNC
A fundraising fantasia
Hi, Bess! It’s the actor Martin Sheen. The DNC asked me to text you to ask for money. Why? It’s unclear! On television I played 1990s neoliberal dream president Jed Bartlet and in real life I am Charlie Sheen’s father. But it’s 10:59pm on a Thursday and the DNC is hoping you are confused enough to forget about that second part and just remember the cozy feeling I gave you while Bush invaded Iraq. Reply AARON SORKIN FANTASY DADDY now to automatically pledge $25 today.
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Hi, Bess. It’s Mrs. Harris, your second grade teacher for the DNC. The boys seem to be whizzing ahead in multiplication and division but you’re still stuck on subtraction, aren’t you? A pity, really, but what’s to be expected? In all my years I’ve learned one thing: Girls just seem to struggle with their numbers. No matter. Are you married now, young lady? I should hope so. Be a dear and ask your husband to donate $25 now to the DNC and we’ll see who gets a silver sticker next to her name on the Harris Helpers Chart. Reply CHAMOMILE BREATH to unsubscribe.
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Hi, Bess! It’s “Gaspard,” the man in a green turtleneck from the - for whatever reason - sensually formative videos they showed you in French class in eighth grade. Don’t be shy, my beautiful angel. Open your eyes, as deep and blue as the ciel, which is how I say “sky.” Ah - don’t move. You have a little camembert on your cheek. No, it was just the light of the moon, or as some (moi) would say, la lune. Reply ECOUTÉ ET REPETÉ to join me at a discotheque in our dreams. Then donate as many Euro as you can spare to the DNC, SVP.
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Hi, sweetie girl. It’s mom with the DNC. I’m not sure what your plans are for donating this election cycle, and I would never tell you what to do — it’s your life — but I remember a time you used to really care about the world. And I don’t know…lately you just seem so pre-occupied with the kids and working on all your things and just being busy. If you don’t have time to donate that’s fine, I know what a nightmare raising children can be - I raised you after all. But if you have a second, maybe just throw in a few dollars to save democracy as we know it. Or not! Totally up to you.
This certainly hits home with me. I donate what I can to candidates I favor. However, doing so gets one on the handy-dandy DNC list of fools. I get texts and emails from all over the country begging for money. My fave is “but we must have it today, right now, in fact”. I admit I sent money to Warnock last election and I’d like to send him some this cycle because, goddess knows, Herschel Walker is the KKK’s wet-dream come to life. I have a standard reply for all out of state candidates. I have it saved in “notes” so all I have to do copy it to the latest candidate shaking a tin cup. The standard reply is below.
“Hey, buddy, I feel your pain, but I’m not reaching for my credit card. I live in Texas. We are overpopulated with ignorant asshole Republican politicians in the Lone Star State. We’re the ones down here with school shootings, no gun control and no control over our own bodies thanks to Goobernor Asshatt and his bully boys Patrick (under indictment) and Paxton and a lobotomized legislature full of RepubliKKKans. I’m shoveling money as fast as I can to Dem candidates right here in Tejas in an effort to restore sanity to a state that was only hanging on to a semblance of it, and then the damned thread broke, and here we are. In Texas, it’s a god-given right to own a gun if you’re tall enough to place the money on the counter to buy it. It is apparently not a right of women to determine the fate of their bodies and reproductive systems. There are more and more of us who are disgusted with Rethuglicans. So, I’m spending all my beer money on donations right here in my own state. Shiner Brewery profits have dropped precipitously.
To put my position succinctly re a donation to your campaign, if you were depending on $$$ from me, you are well and truly screwed and tattooed, verfercked, and SOL. If you haven’t impressed the people in your state well enough to convince them to elect you, lack of money may not be the problem, amigo. I wish you luck.”
God bless you. The ones I hate the most? “Humbly asking” - don’t be humble! Be a badass!