If My Son Wrote Leviticus

A sacred text

1. If a lego tower is knocked down by thine brother, thou shalt stone him with one thousand tiny legos while thine mother is not looking.

2. If a lego tower is knocked down by thineself, it is awesome, and thine brother shall clap.

3. If the seeds of a granola bar are spilt on the playground, it is clean and pure and thou shalt consume it rejoicing in G-d’s bounty.

4. If the seeds of a granola bar are spilt on the kitchen floor, thou shalt cry out in sorrow, cursing G-d who has forsaken thee.

5. A rhinoceros lovey shalt not lay with a bunny lovey. If Little Grey Bunny lieth with Rhino, thou shalt not sleep.

6. No rain cover shall drape upon thy stroller, and should the rain cover even be suggested during a storm, it shall be met with wrath of all creation.

7. Thine feet shall never touch the stairs should thy mother be nearby. Should her arms be full of cloth or brother, she shall cast them into the sea, and carry you up the stairs, singing of your might, Son of the Children of Moses.

8. She who suggests wearing a hat shall be smited.

9. She who suggests wearing socks shall be smited.

10. She who skips so much as a word in “Good Night Good Night Construction Site” shall be smited.

11. The red wax covering the cheese shall be kept and made holy, for it is the most sacred gift bestowed upon the Children of Israel by the Lord, Creator of the Universe, Giver of Life. If thine mother throws it away, she shall be a stranger in her home and to her people. Amen.