How to stay stress-free and parent perfectly in the apocalypse
A sep-by-step guide!
Every guide by every pediatrician and child psychologist makes very clear that the most important thing to maintain your child’s emotional health and sense of wellbeing during a crisis is to remain calm. This is perfect advice because it is very easy to do when your entire world is on fire, so here are a few simple steps to ensure you have as smooth an experience as possible in an unprecedented natural disaster of incalculable loss and sorrow.
1. Scream at Those You Love
There are many accessible ways to decompress in moments of high tension, including mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, and journaling. Unfortunately none of these are as powerful as screaming at your partner, spouse, or someone else legally and financially required to love you in that moment. Don’t know what do fight about? Doesn’t matter. For instance:
Did they NOT PACK A KINDLE CHARGER IN THE GO-BAG? OH FUCKING GREAT. YOU WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A NOVEL THAT HAS BEEN YOUR ONLY ESCAPE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE AND NOW YOU CAN’T EVEN READ IT. GREAT JOB, DAN. GREAT JOB. THANKS A LOT. GLAD YOU REMEMBERED YOUR FUCKING AFTERSHAVE. SMELLS GREAT, YOU [UNINTELLIGIBLE DUE TO WEEPING].
(Tip: Make sure, by the end of your screaming, you have successfully argued that somehow, by their own actions, they are responsible for the smoke your child is breathing.)
2. Say “Fuck Off” to Anyone Telling You to Be Grateful
Many guides tell you to name your emotions and be transparent about your own feelings in front of your children to help them navigate their own response. A great way to do this is to find anyone telling you that you “should be grateful” that "it’s just stuff” and “things can be replaced” and tell them: “Fuck off.” It’s so satisfying and so important to do as a mother.
3. Eat One Tube of Pringles Brand Chips or Similar
If you are a parent in a natural disaster, the only good option is to eat one can of Pringles in its entirety. These crispy sheets of pure sodium and hydrogenated “potato” concentrate are so overpowering that you won’t even notice they destroy the roof of your mouth and all 190 (or whatever) feet of your intestines.
4. Go Down a Wikipedia K-hole About How Jack Nicholson’s Sister was Really His Mom
His “mom” was his grandma! Now you’re not thinking about the fires anymore!
5. Zonk Your Child’s Brain With Cartoons
Limiting screen time is so important for everyone who is not your child in a crisis. Remember how you used to be a mom? Now Princess Elsa is their mom and even though she has a tonally incongruent voice for her bone structure, she is more capable of being a pillar of support than you are. Kids need a dad? Ask Mr. Aftershave if he can fucking watch his goddamn child for a goddamn second. While they watch the movie, you can smell their heads and feel a little bit bad about saying “Fuck off” to the nice lady.
6. Make Big, Longterm Decisions While in Fight or Flight
Did you once go on vacation to Scotland once and love it? FIRE UP THE REAL ESTATE LISTINGS BECAUSE IT IS GO-TIME. The kids who only eat butter noodles will actually LOVE haggis and there’s really no antisemitism like UK antisemitism.
7. Seems Like a Good Time for Another Fight
This one should be about something that happened MONTHS if not YEARS ago that you only VAGUELY remember. The point is: Once again, he was wrong. And it’s time he apologizes for the thing that wait now that the sequence of events comes into focus you realize it was actually completely your fault but WHO CAN QUIBBLE IN AN APOCALYPSE. ALSO, THE GRATITUDE LADY WAS ACTUALLY A CUNT FOR SAYING THAT.
8. Oh Yay The Kids Are Asleep You Can Take a Bit of an Edible Now!
Just a tiny bit so you don’t accidentally think you fell off the planet or start texting your best friend “Do you hate all my clothes?”
9. Stick to a Script
When your child asks you why they are leaving their home and routine, keep it simple and say:
“We are going away to breathe safe air, and to keep ourselves healthy and protected.”
When they ask you what they are being protected from, panic and say:
“Um. A bear!”
When they ask, “What bear?” Say:
“A bear named…Gregory!”
When they look at you confused, explain:
“That’s because Gregory, the bear we are fleeing, needs to sleep in our house tonight. And we can’t go back for at least a week because Gregory is very tired and needs a lot of sleep. So we are going to just have to wait until he is well rested.”
When they ask you if Gregory will come back, shrug and say:
“Only a fool would think Gregory will not return, but only a coward would back down and let him have the house. Gregory is always there. Gregory has many tempers and many whims. But running from Gregory is not what we do in this family. In this family, we will fight Gregory, and one day, my child, we shall dance upon a bearskin rug made from his pelt.”
This will give them something to think about and you can have another part of the edible.
Please stay safe. And about EATING ALL THE PRINGLES: I religiously read the "News of the Weird" section in our paper and one of the items was about a woman who was arrested at her local Wal-Mart for trying to get a discount on a cake that she began eating and claimed that it "came like that" as well as for riding around in a motorized shopping cart while drinking wine out of a Pringles container and I say that is #peak2025goals
This entire piece is excellent, but I will forever love “Now Princess Elsa is their mom and even though she has a tonally incongruent voice for her bone structure,”