Although my ulcerative colitis diagnosis in college (holler at almost failing a class because of being unable to leave the bathroom/bed/hell) and my heartbreak/accompanying start of SSRIs were not at the same time, and I'm not a writer... same, Bess, same. Thank you. You're the best. Thank God for drugz. And seriously f*ck these people.
Oh, my friend, who I do not know in real life but who has comforted me time and again by opening your heart and sharing its golden light, by lifting your pen and sharing your brave words…thank you. SSRI-enabled since I was 16. May we, and those who exist around us, all get through this.
Thank you, thank you for this account. I've had two (mercifully) brief bouts of depression, both after major surgery. Your description of the pale beast clawing at your legs every time you tried to move or think is absolutely accurate. Depression might originate in the brain, but its expression is VERY physical -- something non-sufferers might not understand.
My trans autistic teenage daughter and I are both alive because of these medicines. I am not sure id be able to control my impulse to physically harm RFK if I ever saw him irl. He’s fucking evil and so are all the rest of them out there promoting illness and death.
I used to have debilitating panic attacks, but did not know what they were. One day in 1993, in NYC with this girl I had just started dating who is now my wife of almost 30 years, I had an attack and it wouldn't go away and I thought that I was losing my mind. I had the thought, "okay, this is me now. It finally happened. I'm insane." My now-wife dragged me to the self-help section of a book store at the bottom of Central Park and had me read about anxiety and panic attacks. Now I grew up in Michigan with the usual instilled fear of shrinks and ESPECIALLY of medication. With her encouragement (which might have been insistence) I went to see someone, who prescribed Zoloft. Within two weeks of taking it, I was like. . ."Oh yeah. I remember me." I don't know if that makes sense, but that was literally/actually the thought. I got reacquainted with my mind uncluttered by the static of gibberish, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and panic. Anyway, that was 32 years ago and since I have been at the max dose for most of those years I am pretty sure I have taken more Zoloft than any other living human. (Also, I was so over the moon about Zoloft saving my life that I bought a bunch of stock in Pfizer using screenwriting money -- and then Pfizer came out with Viagra; I used THAT money to pay for the wedding.)
Thank you. I’m so tired of even psychiatrists saying that maybe if I meditated more…medications allow me to function, and anyone who met me knows there’s no Stepford happening. Just because I’m highly functional doesn’t mean I have (lifelong) adjustment disorder. Really appreciated this essay
After almost 30 years on a moderate dose of SSRIs I thought about going off them, and quickly understood that my condition was lifelong, and antidepressants were like insulin to me--just what I need to feel normal. No shame, no side effects. Just functioning in the real world. F**ck anyone who tries to take that away.
Bess, I was also diagnosed with IBD at the age of 19, after my second year of university and the end of a horrifically toxic relationship, and went on anxiety medication the same year. That was almost eight years ago, and the many drugs I've been on in the years since have helped me to live abroad, build a happy and stable relationship, get two-and-a-half degrees (PhD in progress), not to mention just to exist without being in pain every single day. Very grateful for modern medicine, for your writing, for being seen. 💜
I am terrified that Bobby Brainworms will take away my medication. I have been on it for more than 30 years and it’s what keeps me from being a puddle of depression and anxiety spread across the floor. It’s barely under control as it is. What a freaking moron.
Thank you once again, Bess! Your words always put a smile on my face. I have been on fluoxetine for 21 years after having been diagnosed with lupus. I don’t know what I would be like without it.
Although my ulcerative colitis diagnosis in college (holler at almost failing a class because of being unable to leave the bathroom/bed/hell) and my heartbreak/accompanying start of SSRIs were not at the same time, and I'm not a writer... same, Bess, same. Thank you. You're the best. Thank God for drugz. And seriously f*ck these people.
Oooof solidarity
As a therapist and life-long anxiety struggler, I could not love this post more. Thank you.
Oh, my friend, who I do not know in real life but who has comforted me time and again by opening your heart and sharing its golden light, by lifting your pen and sharing your brave words…thank you. SSRI-enabled since I was 16. May we, and those who exist around us, all get through this.
Thank you, thank you for this account. I've had two (mercifully) brief bouts of depression, both after major surgery. Your description of the pale beast clawing at your legs every time you tried to move or think is absolutely accurate. Depression might originate in the brain, but its expression is VERY physical -- something non-sufferers might not understand.
My trans autistic teenage daughter and I are both alive because of these medicines. I am not sure id be able to control my impulse to physically harm RFK if I ever saw him irl. He’s fucking evil and so are all the rest of them out there promoting illness and death.
Therapist and former teen support group leader for kids with IBD here — when I tell you I WEPT. Beautifully written, as always.
I used to have debilitating panic attacks, but did not know what they were. One day in 1993, in NYC with this girl I had just started dating who is now my wife of almost 30 years, I had an attack and it wouldn't go away and I thought that I was losing my mind. I had the thought, "okay, this is me now. It finally happened. I'm insane." My now-wife dragged me to the self-help section of a book store at the bottom of Central Park and had me read about anxiety and panic attacks. Now I grew up in Michigan with the usual instilled fear of shrinks and ESPECIALLY of medication. With her encouragement (which might have been insistence) I went to see someone, who prescribed Zoloft. Within two weeks of taking it, I was like. . ."Oh yeah. I remember me." I don't know if that makes sense, but that was literally/actually the thought. I got reacquainted with my mind uncluttered by the static of gibberish, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and panic. Anyway, that was 32 years ago and since I have been at the max dose for most of those years I am pretty sure I have taken more Zoloft than any other living human. (Also, I was so over the moon about Zoloft saving my life that I bought a bunch of stock in Pfizer using screenwriting money -- and then Pfizer came out with Viagra; I used THAT money to pay for the wedding.)
Thank you. I’m so tired of even psychiatrists saying that maybe if I meditated more…medications allow me to function, and anyone who met me knows there’s no Stepford happening. Just because I’m highly functional doesn’t mean I have (lifelong) adjustment disorder. Really appreciated this essay
Just brilliant.
After almost 30 years on a moderate dose of SSRIs I thought about going off them, and quickly understood that my condition was lifelong, and antidepressants were like insulin to me--just what I need to feel normal. No shame, no side effects. Just functioning in the real world. F**ck anyone who tries to take that away.
Bess, I was also diagnosed with IBD at the age of 19, after my second year of university and the end of a horrifically toxic relationship, and went on anxiety medication the same year. That was almost eight years ago, and the many drugs I've been on in the years since have helped me to live abroad, build a happy and stable relationship, get two-and-a-half degrees (PhD in progress), not to mention just to exist without being in pain every single day. Very grateful for modern medicine, for your writing, for being seen. 💜
Thank you for sharing this. You are amazing. We are a UC family
And hear you!!Hope you are recovering and I look forward to hearing more
From you! Now I can go scrape myself off of the floor . Thank you thank you
I am terrified that Bobby Brainworms will take away my medication. I have been on it for more than 30 years and it’s what keeps me from being a puddle of depression and anxiety spread across the floor. It’s barely under control as it is. What a freaking moron.
Yet another brilliant essay that you should not have to write.
Just when I think I couldn't love and appreciate you more.....you find a way to make it possible! Thanks, Bess. Fuck these guys.
Thank you once again, Bess! Your words always put a smile on my face. I have been on fluoxetine for 21 years after having been diagnosed with lupus. I don’t know what I would be like without it.