HIGHLY SPECIFIC GIFT GUIDE PART 1

You shall receive.

My 42-year-old brother-in-law who has very expensive taste, buys everything he wants, and has never used anything my husband (his brother) and I have gotten for him except for a gift card to a bougie grocery store near his house. Italian and Jewish, loves to make pasta - not from scratch. Father of two under 3, loves tinned fish and expensive olive oil, Filson, cycling, skiing, has a very dry sense of humor. Gets very into activities and buys all of the necessary gear (fly fishing, fencing, surfing, etc.) and then doesn’t do said activity with much regularity. My husband doesn’t think a bag of fancy specialty grocery items is sufficient. $75-150. Help!

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OK. This person has two children under three and still has time for these very expensive destination hobbies? Fantastic. Give him a very Filson-esque, old-money heritage vibe (I see you, fencing/skiing Jew!) picnic blanket so he can take his kids with him to eat $40 tinned fish in nature. It’s even in Italian colors to honor the store-bough pasta side of his heritage. $150 from Tartan Blanket Co.

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Please! My brother is 44 and a professional touring musician. He lives alone in a house with his bulldog. He doesn't want any more books, in fact, he wants absolutely nothing that he has to find a place for in his house. I like to get him things that make him laugh. Budget: $30-40

Customized bulldog guitar picks. He can take his roommate on the road with him and they’re small enough they fit in his pocket. This is a terrible cartoon version but you can use a picture of his actual dog and the dog’s name on them. $13 from Zazzle so you can get him two and put them in a thrift store ring box.

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My 50 year old husband who loves surfing and snowboarding but has all the gear (actually way too much) already. He has incredible taste in everything, and is very visual. He loves food and adventure and art and travel. He lives to laugh and is very kind but not full of shit. Budget is 2-4k? Help!!!! Also he is Jewish - not sure if that helps - but may be relevant!

What a budget! Ok. You can invest in a classic Slim Aarons surfing print from art.sy within that budget that makes me feel like a bad wife.

Or, you could spend $150 on a poster and use the you saved to take him (you) to Hawaii to go surfing (sitting)!

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41-year old (childless) sister in law who is addicted to shopping / unwrapping gifts. Calls herself the Christmas elf. Affinity for trendy single use gadgets that will be obsolete in a few years, but everything in her possession will end up in a donation pile or garbage in a matter of months. While gifts aren't about "us," I am neurotically low waste and would like for whatever I give her to leave as small an environmental footprint as possible (given this track record), while feeding her need to physically unwrap something. Budget under $250, since it is essentially lighting money on fire.

Ah I hope she doesn’t read what you wrote about (childless) her, but!

If you are looking to give her a sustainable gift for a gadget person, I recommend these surprisingly attractive COMPOSTABLE (!?) iPhone case for far less than the “light it on fire” $250 budget. $60 from Pela Case.

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My almost-39-year-old rave loving husband who works in music with lots of young people and is trying his hardest not to get old. Loves raving, staying up late, raving, pretending he's young, going to clubs, electronic music, and raving. Is a huge workaholic, loves films (all screens in general tbh - totally addicted to Instagram), clothes, shoes and Leeds United (we're in the UK!). Trying to get back into the gym but struggling, and has an unfortunate predilection for junk food (comfort eats when stressed, which is most of the time). Mostly reads business books and the news. Needs help with creating boundaries around work and mentally switching off. Hates walking. Looking to spend around £150. Thank you for your kind offer of help!

Bless him. Turn the gym into a child-at-heart rave with these light-up laces from an Etsy seller who gets him:

Also because it mostly sounds like he just needs a nap, here’s a weighted blanket that looks like it’s on MDMA (and part of the proceeds go to a kid’s charity):

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40-year-old partner of fifteen years. She was born in the Midwest but spent her formative years in Florida. She works from home and does everything for us (11-year-old-daughter, two cats, me). In exchange for literally everything, we bring her coffee in bed while she cuddles with her favorite family member (3-year-old male, long-haired cat) until we leave for school and work. She is devoted to exercise (jogging, Peloton with Emma, yoga) and a dirty gin martini or old fashioned or negroni or Manhattan or Bordeaux. She is a great cook.

Her favorite recent meme depicted Oppenheimer as legal aid and Barbie as personal injury. We are all Swifties.

She is strong but sensitive, caring but not doting, principled and unafraid to pass judgment. She has a terrific sense of humor and has anointed herself funniest person in the family.

With each election we swear we will flee to another country.

Sometimes we will make something for her – cross-stitched RBG, sketch of deceased cat – but more often, she purchases what she wants, and we put it under the tree and take credit.

Budget $0-$1,000.

A Swiftie who likes needlepoint and snuggling in bed with cats and is into Barbie and has a sense of humor and an 11-year-old daughter?

YOU WANT THIS PILLOW. $`108 from abc carpet.

And since you have more money to spend, and she’s a wine lady with style you can throw in this set I’ve wanted for a few years but haven’t had the nerve to order for myself from Estelle Colored Glass:

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My 35 yo gender non conforming sibling who has everything but gives the most thoughtful gifts so I have to step up my game. Has 5 dogs, owns a store that features vintage clothing and queer makers’ work, loves tats, hot yoga, drag shows, art. Budget 100$ by Secret Santa rules. Thank you!!

Very hard to shop for a Cool Person unless you are aware of the Chinatown store “Coming Soon.” Love these slippers for them…

Which led me down a Verloop rabbit hole to the perfect “I Match My Dog” companion gift.

Et fin.

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Stay tuned for part two for paid subscribers tomorrow.