What to Expect When You're Expecting a Second Child

A comprehensive guide for expanding your family.

1. You’re completely fucked.

2. Hahahahaha oh my good lord you are fucked.

3. Remember how having a baby was an all-consuming nonstop chaos hit-by-a-truck blur for a couple months? Now do that plus a toddler who suddenly stops eating everything except bagels, which are, to put it mildly, constipating.

4. You thought it was such a good idea, didn’t you? “Oh! Let’s have sibling for our sweet kid! What a lovely thing that will be?” Fool! I mean, eventually, sure. But for now, please see item one in this list, which, to reiterate, is you are 100% “F” as in Frank, “U” as in umbrella, “C” as in Charles, “K” in kite, “E” as in elephant, “D” as in David fucked.

5. Here’s my impression of you right now: “We don’t really do screen time, we just go on walks and play together - and he’s actually amazing at entertaining himse-” hahahaha you’ll do screen time now, you absolutely moronic hippie.

6. Cook some things in advance and freeze them!

7. Just kidding. The process of defrosting is unfortunately too time consuming. You are fucked.

8. It’s going to be fine. You’ll get through it and one day not long from now the older kid will kiss the baby on its little perfect baby head and your heart will melt through your torso and run down your leg whoops you peed.

9. Just don’t have a third.