Hey.
It’s Brian, Gulliver, and Bryan and we’re the three remaining members of the Goof Around Guys. As I’m sure you’ve seen on Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, and thanks to your toast-tacular WiFi-Enabled LG Toaster (#ad), Pat McNulty is no longer a member of the Goof Around Guys.
This is devastating to us as humans and as goofs.
We are, of course, shocked by the revelation, that, without getting into too many details, Pat did smoochie kisses on a lady who was not his lawfully wedded wife. He pursed his lips and kissed them on the lady’s lips. Eighteen times. We feel like we are going to throw up. Without exaggeration, this is the lowest depth of human misery.
To make matters worse, the mouth he smooched belonged to a (former) coworker, who had promised her kissy lip lips to another. He could not resist her mouth kisses, and for that he is no longer a goof.
Don’t come for the woman we keep mentioning. #BelieveWomen #Yaas.
Even though this is clearly a private family matter, we are going to make a long statement about it, address it with death-stern faces, and make it about our pain. For the fans.
Sure, there are actual young children involved, but what is immediately clear to us is this: Pat’s extramarital kisses (and let’s face it - probably booby honking and every imaginable sex base) do not reflect the values of the Goof Around Guys, values that are closely aligned with LG and their awesome suite of WiFi and bluetooth-enabled cookware.
So where do we go from here:
Any mention of P*t McNulty will be bleeped in our videos henceforth.
All images of P** will be covered by a cartoon bottle of Sobe Life Water, Quench Your Mind™.
We will ritualistically burn an effigy of *** on Twitch at 5pm PT/8 ET, which you can join in stunning VR thanks to our pals at Occulus®.
Thank you for your time. We love you. Our shattered souls weep for you. May God bless and keep you, LG, and Sobe Life Water, The Thirst Buster™.
Stay awesome.
Bryann, Laird, and Filbert