Trump's Letter to Melania from Jail

A reasonable explanation for the indictable offense!

My Dearest Melania,

As I languish in this cell, I yearn for the warmth of your smile. The exquisite birdsong of your laugh. The tenderness of your hand in mine.

But as I suffer the indignity of punishment, know that all of it, my love, was for you. My greatest folly was my unyielding devotion to your happiness and to the wellbeing of our beloved son.

Melania. Oh, Melania. Your name echoes ceaselessly in the chambers of my heart. I’ll never forget the night that brought this upon us. You had just given birth to our precious Barron. As your body healed and you tried in vain to feed him, I set off into the night to find a dram of milk to ease his hunger. Through the woods, I came upon an open field. Was it a mirage? An oasis? No. It was a “golf course” designed for sport. I stumbled across the green expanse to a large castle hotel and called out for help.

“My son!” I cried. “My boy! He must have milk or surely he will…” my words tangled into sobs in my throat. Just as I fell to my knees, a Siren appeared in a window high in the tallest turret.

“Come to me,” she sang. “I will give you what you seek. I will save your boy.”

Entranced, I found myself pulled by her song. My next earthly memory I was kneeling at the Siren’s feet as she reared above me with a thunderous cackle. I braced myself for the blow of death.

“It is I, Stormy,” the monster hissed. “Who goes there?”

“Please!” I stammered “I am a humble father seeking milk for his infant son so he can live and my wife can rest.”

She smiled a poisonous grin. “I can give you milk,” she cackled, “But you must give me something in return.”

“Anything!” I shouted. “Name your price, beast!”

“$130,000” she said.

I froze. Surely this was a trick. An absurd sum for a small request. But her ink-black eyes reflected back my own quivering face.

“By check. Through your lawyer.” she added.

“Anything else!” I sobbed. “Have mercy!”

“No.” she said. “A check for $130,000 made out to me from the office of your lawyer and the boy lives.”

I’ve re-lived it every night since. In the rain, I wandered a fortnight to my lawyer’s home. He came downstairs in his dressing gown and I relayed the horrible bargain I’d made. He cautioned me against it. Surely I would be condemned for it. There would be a price far greater than the monster’s initial demand.

But what choice did I have? What choice would any man have? What monsters reveal is the utter fallacy of free will when confronted with the impossible. That those who truly love will endure any cruelty to protect their beloved.

And so, check for $130,000 in hand, I returned to the monster’s lair. And the boy lived.

Melania, I would do it again. As I close my eyes in this prison, I am freed by the dream of my cherished family carrying on, saved by the sacrifice of their darling pa-pa. Their most devoted servant.

I would stay here a thousand years knowing it brought you both the gift of life. For even in my darkest misery, I am comforted by the possibility of your happiness.

Forever and always,

Your Donald