Transcript of the CDC Meeting Deciding the New Covid Isolation Guidelines

Thank you to the brave doctor who leaked this

FRIDAY BEFORE PRESIDENT’S WEEKEND

FIVE DOCTORS ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE. ONE DOCTOR HAS A SUITCASE AND IS WEARING A PANAMA HAT. HE IS NERVOUSLY CHECKING HIS PHONE, WHICH IS BUZZING CONTINUOUSLY.

DOCTOR 1: If there’s no other business, I say we adjourn. Have a great long weekend, everyone.

HAT DOCTOR: Um - actually…

DOCTOR 1: Yes, Jenkins?

JENKINS: This is kind of random, but I was wondering if we might want to reconsider the, uh, isolation guidelines or whatever?

DOCTOR 3: The five-day incubation period? Jenkins, that already scrapes dangerously close to the transmission window.

DOCTOR 4: Is this coming from the private sector? We can’t endanger the public for the short-term sake of the economy any more than we alrea-

-JENKINS: No no no. It’s not coming from the private sector. It’s from [HE LOOKS AT HIS PHONE] science. It’s from cold, hard science.

DOCTOR 1: But our virologists agree that the viral load five days after peak infection is-

-JENKINS: Yeah but maybe they’re wrong? Maybe that’s just, like, their opinion?

DOCTOR 2: Explain to me how rate of transmission is a matter of opinion? Are you trying to kill people?

[JENKINS THROWS HIS PANAMA HAT ACROSS THE TABLE AND SCREAMS]

JENKINS: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY MARRIAGE?

[THE ROOM FALLS SILENT]

JENKINS: Look. After EVERYTHING we’ve been through since 2020. The MONTHS I’ve sat in this room trying to keep the “PUBLIC” safe. The fucking ungrateful “POPULATION.” And you know what isn’t safe? My RELATIONSHIP.

DOCTOR 1: Is that Diane texting you?

JENKINS: It is.

DOCTOR 2: She ok?

JENKINS: No, Ellison. She has fucking Covid. We both do. And our flight to TURKS AND CAICOS leaves at 8pm.

DOCTOR 3: Christ, Jenkins. Why aren’t you wearing a mask?

JENKINS: Because we dropped the MASK mandate when Ellison’s dipshit DAUGHTER got it at the Taylor Swift concert right before prom!

DOCTOR 2: Yeah, thanks for that, guys. Maddie really appreciated it.

JENKINS: Please. I’m begging you. [HIS PHONE BUZZES AGAIN] I’m not going to break the law. I’m the chief of infectious disease for the CDC - if my test results go public… And if we don’t get to Turks, I don’t know what I’ll do - I don’t know what I’ll tell her. And there’s this guy from she met at the gym…[HE SOBS]…She’s been coming back all happy and….[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

DOCTOR 1: Slow down, Jenkins. Peter. Slow down. It’s gonna be okay.

DOCTOR 2: You deserve to be happy. After everything you’ve done for the country.

DOCTOR 4: I’m sure there’s…a little flexibility. When did you test positive?

JENKINS: Yesterday.

[LONG PAUSE]

DOCTOR 3: Fuck.

[THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ONE BY ONE THEY STAND. THEY GATHER AROUND JENKINS. THEY PUT THEIR HANDS ON HIS SHOULDERS. ONE KISSES HIM ON THE HEAD.]

DOCTOR 1: Louise, get the President on the line.

[WE SEE A SECRETARY, TYPING IN THE CORNER, SHE IS WEARING A KN95]

LOUISE: Right away, sir!

[SHE PRESSES THE RED BUTTON ON THE INTERCOM ON THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE]

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, fellas! Hope it’s good news!

DOCTOR 1: It’s great news, sir. [HE SQUEEZES JENKINS’ SHOULDER] For all of us.

DOCTOR 2: We are formally recommending a new isolation period for Covid-19, Mr. President.

BIDEN: How many days we talkin’? Three?

[DOCTOR ONE NUDGES JENKINS TO SPEAK. JENKINS WIPES AWAY A TEAR AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.]

JENKINS: No, Mr. President.

[HE SMILES]

JENKINS: One.