Transcript of a Conversation Between Donald and Melania Trump Tonight

Thank you to the brave NSA Agent who leaked this to me

DT: Melly?

MT: Yes, my sweet Don. I’m here, my love.

DT: Oh, my queen. [DISSOLVES INTO TEARS] It is a tonic to hear your voice. Did you hea-

MT: Yes. I heard. I was watching. I…I…[SHE WEEPS]

DT: Oh, my love. I begged you to enjoy the day — to not endure a moment of stress. To think of your anguish gives me more pain than a thousand convictions. Did you get the almond blossoms?

MT: Hah. My romantic prince. Are you really asking me about the flowers at a time like this?

DT: What else would I ask you about? Did you like them? Tell me what they reminded you of.

MT: Like Provence, of course. The little place in Aix where we camped out and forgot about the world last summer.

DT: When this is over, whatever my fate, I will take you there again. We’ll hold each other again under the moonlight in the wildflower fields. I’ll watch your eyes glimmer in the moonlight…oh. Oh my heart. The only thing that matters is you.

MT: Shhhh. My sweet love. Don’t think about me. Most legal scholars are saying that you most likely face up to four years in minimum security prison if sentenced, but most likely it will be probation because technically you have never been convicted of a previous crime.

DT: Forbes is saying there could be a maximum sentence of 136 years in prison.

MELANIA DISSOLVES INTO INCONSOLABLE SOBS

MT: But it’s likely none at all. Or four.

DT: Which could start now if I’m considered a flight risk.

[A BEAT]

MT: You wouldn’t. Donald. Think of what they’d do to you if they caught you.

DT: I only think of you. My angel, I would do anything to see you. For just one more moment before they send me away.

MT: I will wait for you. I will wait a lifetime for you. Fear not, my love.

DT: But don’t you see? THIS is our lifetime. And they going to take it AWAY from us. Where are you?

MT: I’m at home. In our bedroom we share in Mar a Lago. Where we sleep in one bed together.

DT: I’m getting on a plane.

MT: No, my love! They’ll arrest you!

DT: I don’t care. The only thing I need is your embrace. Even if they drag me away and throw me in the darkest cell to rot, I’ll forever bask in the glow of your sweet love.

MT: Tell me. Tell me how much you love me.

DT: I love you so much, I would climb the highest mountain. I would slay the fiercest beast. I would not bury you by a putting green at a golf course in New Jersey.

[A BEAT]

MT: Come to me, champion of my heart.

DT: I’m on my way, my loving wife. I have always been on my way to you.