The Story of Christmas-Hanukkah According to My Son

A nightmarish tale of gore and ninjas

INT. MY HUSBAND’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM, 7PM, DECEMBER 23rd

MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD AND I ARE READING A BOOK CALLED SOMETHING LIKE “GINGERBREAD FOR HANUKKAH” WHICH ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN HANUKKAH AND CHRISTMAS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME THIS YEAR. THE BABY, WHO IS TWO YEARS OLD, IS CARRIED IN TO SAY GOODNIGHT. THE FIVE-YEAR-OLD ADDRESSES HIS LITTLE BROTHER.

GOOF: Little Beep Beep. Did you know the Christmas and Hanukkah story?

ME: Well, they are two different stories, sweetie.

GOOF: This year they are the same. Did you know they are the same, Beep Beep?

BABY, WHO GOES TO A JEWISH PRESCHOOL, AND KNOWS THEY ARE NOT THE SAME: Yes. They are the same.

ME: Actual-

GOOF: I will tell you.

ME: Ok.

GOOF: A long time ago, there were the Maccabees. They were ninjas.

ME: Wait, no no they were not-