G’day.
I am Rupert Murdoch, billionaire, five-time fiancé, and the only Australian less pleasant than Mel Gibson. And I am begging you: Please stop sharing this humiliating infographic.
It’s everywhere. It’s on Deadline. It made the Hollywood Reporter. And now several former Conan staffers have posted it to their Instagram stories.
Look at everyone’s smiling faces, then look at mine. Go ahead. Look into my tiny little frog spectacles and tell me your heart doesn’t break. And you know why my face is so long (even though it’s actually perfectly square)? Like a Thoroughbred trained on North American dirt suddenly racing on European turf for the first time, I was dead last.
With the standard of CEO living set so astronomically high, how am I supposed to live on $31.1 million a year not including stock options? Look into your heart and ask yourself: Can you blame Jerry Hall? I can’t. What’s she supposed to do - take a SHUTTLE to the slope in Sun Valley because the ski-in-ski-out chalets are all owner-occupied? She’d rather die and be cryopreserved in my facility that you don’t know about.
WHERE WAS I? Cost of living. Right. For $31 million ($32.87 million after taxes somehow), I can’t even put a yacht hull under all my children’s heads. That many state rooms will run me at least $50-$60m at a steep discount. Factor in accommodations for their staff and we’re quickly in the $80-$90m territory with a dangerously small helipad. You think David Zaslov has to check the CURRANT before he lands his helicopter on his boat? No. He kills a movie for a write-off and lands his decommissioned Blackhawk right above his mid-deck lap pool.
Do you think Comcast CEO Brian Roberts - wait a minute - what’s that number? $30m? THREE, ZERO MILLION? Brian Roberts makes LESS than me?!!? Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK AT BROKE BRIAN, EVERYONE! Took over his dad’s multinational telecom company and can’t even make as much as the mail-in DVD envelope guys!
What a dumb bitch. If Brian Roberts were any poorer, he’d be a staff writer on a streaming show.
An Emmy-nominated one.
Alright, off to fire a white nationalist for being too costly.
XO - RuMur
The Cost of Living for CEOs has Never Been Higher
I had a protest 🪧 sign for the rally to protect Voting Rights in Iowa City in 2021 that said “Never underestimate the power of a few white due Bros to destroy the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. (Sorry Margaret Mead)”