The best tips from our pediatrician!

A no-nonsense guide to getting through cold and flu season!

With all sorts of yucky viruses going around, now is the time to make sure you've got a plan for battling out the final (hopefully!) round of winter bugs!

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PINK EYE

• Change all sheets and pillowcases every day and wash with bleach.

• Regularly wipe down high-touch surfaces with disinfectant wipes.

• Wipe down high-touch children with disinfectant wipes.

• Leave your wallet and phone behind and change your name and lay low in a motel for a few days them start a new life somewhere else.

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BRONCHITIS

• Treat fever with Tylenol and Motrin, alternating as needed.

• Use a nasal aspirator regularly for mucus.

• Run humidifiers at night and during naps.

• Use a saline steam mist or steam from a hot shower before bedtime.

• Flee with child to a remote island covered in a cool mist. Cough at any boats that try to approach the island until they retreat.

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FLU

• Encourage fluids and supplement with Pedialyte.

• Treat fever with Tylenol and Motrin, alternating as needed.

• Use a nasal aspirator as needed.

• Under the light of a full moon, go to the top of the tallest mountain and scream at the ancient gods of pestilence and plague, “WHAT WAS THE FLU SHOT FOR, EXACTLY? WHAT IS ANY OF IT FOR? WHY IN THE SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS?”

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COVID

• Look at the test.

• Look at your child.

• Throw out the test.

• Look at your child.

• Look at yourself in the mirror.

• Really look. Look at the fool who gave her child a covid test in the year 2024.

• You didn’t have to test, did you? But you did it. You did it because you are a good person. A person of science. No you’re not. You did it because you’re a rule-follower governed only by guilt. And now you have no choice. Right? Of course you have no choice. You are horrible for hesitating for even a SECOND. Maybe just another second. He barely looks sick. He has no symptoms. Just give it a minute. Have a Spindrift. Walk around the living room. Think of your week. Think of everyone’s week. Recycle the Spindrift can. Look at you, you good person. Pick up your phone. “Ugh,” you text. “Positive.”

• See “PINK EYE” for how to change your name and start a new life.