Some things JD Vance could say to be more likable to women

Hope this helps, sir!

Yesterday, JD Vance tried to order donuts at a store in Georgia and it was among the worst human interactions I have witnessed where nobody died. If you haven’t seen it and refused to see it: The woman behind the counter refused to be filmed, and when a grinning and eager Vance told her he was running for Vice President, she deadpanned: “Okay.”

If you want to see it for yourself, I suggest you watch the version set to the Veep end credits here.

Now.

I’ll be up front: I don’t like JD Vance. But I hate to see him suffer like that. So in the spirit of bipartisan goodwill and fellowship toward my fellow man, here are some easy greetings Vance can use as he gets back out there and tries interacting with women on the campaign trail. Please forward it along in the hope this gets to him:

• “Howdy, ma’am. How are your fallopian tubes this fine morning? Mucus membranes intact and ready I hope!” [CHUCKLES GOOD-NATUREDLY]

• “Hi there! I look forward to your vote this coming November unless you are menstruatin’.” [TIPS COWBOY HAT, GUFFAWS]

• “Greetings!” [THROWS WATER ON HER] “Oh no! Would you like a towel?” [HANDS HER A TRUMP/VANCE CAMPAIGN-BRANDED TOWEL]

• “Nice day, isn’t it! Does your husband know you’re out here ovulatin’ for the world to see?” [DOES PISTOL FINGERS]

• “Hi! I’m JD! Can I check your HCG levels real quick?” [PHLEBOTOMIST JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND HIM WITH A NEEDLE]

• “Hello! What’s your name and what are your genitals?” [WINKS, THEN CROSSES ARMS AND LOOKS SERIOUS]

• [IF SHE’S HOLDING A BABY] “Aw. He’s precious. How old? Did you conceive that baby naturally or did you let Satan meddle with your barren womb?”

• [IF SHE’S HOLDING A BABY] “What a beautiful child! Say, can I have a bite to check if it’s real?” [TIP COWBOY HAT AGAIN?]

• “Hey there, nice to meet ya. Did you know I can tell if you’re with child just by looking to see if your breasts are engorged? I’m kiddin’. I can see they are just fine with my own two peepers.” [DO WINDSHIELD WIPER FINGERS ON YOUR EYES]

• “Hi! Can I buy a donut? And did you know that in some ancient Nordic cultures, post-menopausal women would ritualistically jump off rocky cliffs once their last-born children were old enough to carry children of their own? It was a form of community-coerced geronticide called Ättestupa! Glazed with sprinkles, please!”

Anyway, JD, let me know how it goes and look forward to seeing you out there meeting and greeting all the luteinized ladies you can get your paws on!

xo

Bess