Some things I would do if I were President Trump and NOT in the Epstein files

A partial list!

• Have an ice cold sparkling water.

• Go for a nice walk on the verdant White House grounds.

• Follow through on my campaign promise to release the files.

• Ask the chef for a seasonal salad with plums!

• Not invade every US city.

• Stay off the roof.

• When asked about them by the press, do not refer to the files as “a hoax.”

• Apologize to Don Jr. for punching him in the face in college in front of his roommates (real).