Some Things I Worry About As a Jewish Mother

In light of the arrests at Penn Station

Two Nazis were arrested at Penn Station this weekend after planning a violent attack at a New York City Synagogue. Although this is probably the fourth most upsetting thing to happen at Penn Station on a given day, it is still very troubling. According to the DA, the two men had “a firearm, a high capacity magazine, ammunition, an 8-inch long military style knife, a swastika arm patch, a ski mask and a bullet proof vest, among other things.” I’m assuming the “other things” did not include a copy of Portnoy’s Complaint and nice, hot quart of matzoh ball soup from Katz’s.

My oldest child goes to preschool at a New York City Synagogue. He is home today watching Moana for the seven hundredth time because he is still fighting a lingering snot cold, and because my hands have not stopped shaking since reading the news. Like many Jewish mothers throughout the world, upon realizing I was pregnant, my brain was put in a permanent state of mortal worry. I was not a “cool” Emily Oster “just a lil glass of wine won’t hurt anyone” pregnant person, I was a fear-based neurotic who thought of nothing but the possibility of death, or worse, a slight speech delay.

So when these two assholes were arrested with a plot of use a knife and machine gun at a synagogue where I live, my list of worries was upended. Here is my current hierarchy of worry in light of recent events:

1. Will calling broccoli “green trees” convince my son to eat broccoli?

2. Will giving my son a choice between two hats trick my son into wearing a hat?

3. Will the rising tide of antisemitism result in a blood-soaked violent attack at my son’s preschool?

4. Will putting socks on my son’s feet after he falls asleep help keep him from coughing all night?

5. Will Kanye West’s re-instatement on Twitter serve as a widespread tacit endorsement of antisemitism online?

6. Is the “cool mist” humidifier in my baby’s room actually making his cold worse because it’s making him chilly? Should I switch to a “warm mist” humidifier even though it’s a bacteria festival?

7. Is the space heater in my baby’s room helping, or is it a fire hazard death trap with a fucking bright light that keeps him awake?

8. Will Dave Chappelle’s “It’s true, but you just can’t say it out loud” take on a Jewish control of Hollywood going to perpetuate Jewish hate, or will it help me get a better deal on the pilot I’m selling? Or will it do the opposite? Basically, will this result in more death, and/or will it result in somehow getting a rights reversion clause in my development contract currently in negotiations?

9. When will my baby be healthy enough to get his second covid shot?

10. When will he he be healthy enough to sleep through the night again?

11. When will I be able to sleep through the night again?

12. What is Toronto like this time of year?

13. What is the real estate market like in Toronto?

14. What are the best school districts in Toronto?

15. How long is the drive from Brooklyn to Toronto?

16. Make appointment to get passport for baby.

17. Make appointment to get roots touched up.