The Grudge Report

The Grudge Report

Share this post

The Grudge Report
The Grudge Report
Some recipes for when you're on the verge of an election mental breakdown

Some recipes for when you're on the verge of an election mental breakdown

Easy weekday staples to make on the brink of fascist dystopian hell

Bess Kalb's avatar
Bess Kalb
Oct 28, 2024
∙ Paid
74

Share this post

The Grudge Report
The Grudge Report
Some recipes for when you're on the verge of an election mental breakdown
9
2
Share

Chopped “Italian Restaurant” Salad

A restaurant classic, this hearty salad is an any-time lunch thanks to a bounty of pantry ingredients plus whichever meat and cheese you have in your deli drawer!

  • 1 head iceberg lettuce

  • 1/2 small red onion

  • 1 can garbanzo beans

  • 1/4 pound thick-sliced provolone cheese

  • 1 cup cherry tomatoes

  • 5 slices of good salami or bresaola

  • 1 jar of pitted green olives, drained (Castelvetrano preferred, but any greek olive will do!)

  • 1/2 cup peperoncini, drained

  • 1 heaping tbsp dried oregano

  • 1 tsp dried basil

  • 1/4 cup olive oil

  • A few glugs of red wine vinegar

  • 1 tsp grated garlic

  • Salt and pepper to taste

Wash the head of lettuce in cool water, set aside to drain.

Slice half a red onion in thin strands and soak in ice water to take out the sting.

In a small bowl, whisk together red wine vinegar, herbs, salt and pepper, garlic, and olive oil.

Quarter the cherry tomatoes, slice the olives into rounds, and slide the peperoncini into half-moons, discarding the seeds.

Cut the provolone and salami into 1/4 inch squares.

Add all the the toppings to a bowl and set aside.

Open the can of chickpeas, wash and let drain.

Pick it up the head of lettuce and feel the weight of it in your hands. Slam it onto a (non slip!) cutting board. Get your sharpest, largest knife.

Pierce the head. Come down hard. Again. Stab it again until it splits.

Lay the cleaved head on the flat sides and hack at it. Put your back into it. Rock back and forth until you reduce it to ribbons. Scream.

Keep going. Chop the pieces until it’s barely recognizable as the head it once was.

When your child walks in and asks what the screaming is, say, “It’s mommy’s favorite salad! Like at a pizza restaurant!” When he asks why your hands are bleeding say, “Oopsie! Sometimes that’s what happens when you really want something!”

Put down the knife. Order the salad.


Pesto Grilled Cheese Panini

This post is for paid subscribers

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in
© 2025 Bess Kalb
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start writingGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture

Share