Questions for Our Building's New Architect Now That The Old One Was Arrested for Allegedly Being a Serial Killer

This is technically not a joke.

We recently closed on a lovely, charming apartment in a pre-war co-op building in New York City. Yesterday afternoon the building’s architect was arrested and charged with three counts of first degree murder and three counts of second degree murder. The man who was about to approve our renovation plans stands accused of unimaginably brutal atrocities targeting primarily young women and is being referred to in the press as “The Long Island Serial Killer.” In light of this, here are our revised questions for the board’s new architect:

1. Can we take down the wall between the kitchen and the dining room?

2. Does an evil lurk within you?

3. We noticed other units in the same line have added a powder room off the dining room, is it possible to do that in our apartment as well?

4. To your knowledge, would the FBI have reason to test your garbage for DNA?

5. If we added an induction range, would we need to upgrade the apartment’s electrical panel?

6. Do you or did you frequently kill people?

7. Could we bump out the wall in the living room to extend the built-in bookshelf to the other side of the fireplace?

8. Would you describe your relationship to women as “psychotic?”

9. Would central air conditioning be possible, or would we need to stick with window units?

10. Are you doing this as a vaguely fitting control-freak cover for what you really love to do, which is murder?

11. Once again, murder-wise, is that a “YES” for you?

12. Would it be possible to add a tub to the primary bathroom?

13. Would it be possible that the public would be more safe if you were behind bars?

14. When were the windows installed?

15. If I ask too many questions will you kill me, too? WILL YOU?

16. I dare you. My dad’s a cop.

17. No he’s not. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry I’ve made this in any way about me. This is horrific. Those women did nothing wrong and this piece of shit who worked here in this building before you - this stupid fucking guy in his stupid fucking Oxford shirt and bad haircut, ALLEGEDLY just snuffed them out and went back to approving floor plans and rubber-stamping dumb, overpriced open kitchens. He sent polite emails about walk-throughs and then used a burner phone to taunt the shattered families of his victims. Fuck him. May he rot in agony. Allegedly.

18. Ballpark timeline for move-in?