Some Mental Health Advice for the Week

When all else fails

I am not a therapist, but I am the child of a therapist, which makes me a clinically licensed therapist. Here is some advice for getting through a week with an incalculable scale of human atrocity in the news.

• Buy a muffin.

  A muffin is a small cake it is socially acceptable to eat in public at dawn. Today is a day for a muffin so laden with butter it stains your pants through the bag on your lap as you eat it on a park bench while weeping.

• Buy a ludicrous chapstick.

  A chapstick should cost $1. An expensive chapstick should cost $10. A ludicrous chapstick can cost up to $30. Spending $30 on a chapstick is financially responsible ONLY if you are the Sultan of Brunei. Buying a $30 chapstick on a day like today is not only morally correct, it is essential. The act of swiping your card to purchase a $30 chapstick will cause a lightning bolt of stress to stop your heart, and then when it starts again, you will be immortal.

• Watch something dumb.

  I am currently watching two dumb shows. One is “Sanditon,” a loose Jane Austen adaptation about a seaside resort town where THEO JAMES FROM THE WHITE LOTUS IS THE MR. DARCY CHARACTER AND WEARS TIGHT LIL BRITCHES AND IS MEAN UNTIL HE’S MAKING OUT WITH YOU ON A CLIFF. The other is “The Real Housewives of New York” in which several hungry women compete to pretend they have money and fashion sense, while it is clear to everyone but them they have neither. Come for Jenna Lyons’ midlife crisis apartment and stay to find out if Jessel’s twins can get into Avenues.

• Delete Instagram from your phone for 24 hours.

  Last year we weaned our child from his pacifier. I have never related to him more than after I, in a fit of rage and desperation, deleted Instagram from my phone for a few days last week. It was all unfortunately there when I came back, but for a brief moment, I was free.

• Don’t DM anyone to “start a conversation.”

  I DM’d someone this week and it was a mistake. If you have an issue with what someone is posting, remember, this global crisis will not be solved on Instagram. It will be solved by Andy Cohen on “Watch What Happens Live.”

• Spend time with loved ones.

  Once your shows are done, hold those you love close. Check in with people offline. Come together for conversation and connection and common ground or mutual shared humanity. Do something kind for them. Then go back to your shows.

• Talk to a therapist.

  A therapist is a Jewish monk you pay to listen to you rant about your various real and manufactured problems so you can maintain your actual relationships without exhausting the goodwill of the people you love. At the end of your rant, instead of a mantra, he gives you medication if you need it, gentle encouragement, and extremely vague advice. I found a nice man covered by some of my insurance and I am grateful for him. I am told some therapists are not Jewish, but that is simply not true. Once you fulfill 5,000 clinical hours of listening to people complain, you are Jewish.

• Don’t make wild generalizations about religion for your little joke newsletter.

  This is not especially useful during a time where identity politics are the source of so much horror.

• Donate to help people who need help a lot more than you do right now.

  Think of it as chapstick offsetting. As my grandma used to say, “If you can spare it, spare it.”