Several Additional Facts About Jews!

Seems we did not cover it last time, but this should do it!

• Jews make up 0.2% of the world’s population, but 100% of the people in my family who think it was a mistake to not wear a bra at my wedding.

• When Jews get nervous, our stomachs are bad! The calls for wiping out Jews are actually enough to gastrointestinally take us out for a few days! You did it!

• While some religions have an infallible apostolic holy figure on earth, The Jewish people have only Barbra, who cloned her dog(s?) and has a mall under her house.

• Ashkenazi Jews are on SSRI’s and Sephardic Jews are lactose intolerant.

• Tony Shalhoub is not Jewish.

• Harrison Ford IS Jewish.

• Jews have been hunted and exterminated throughout history. This makes us very jumpy when people who are not also Jewish say or post implications that Jews are in the way. When Jews say it, that is fine and they are our cousin Sophie who has a broad worldview that hold two truths and we love her EVEN THOUGH she has a tattoo of a Vonnegut quote on her INNER THIGH.

• All Jews are not Zionists but all people who use “Jews” and “Zionists” interchangeably are not Jews.

• If you call a Jewish person on the phone, he or she will answer with a simple, panicked, “Hi! Everything ok?”

• My grandmother’s friend Joan’s son did not marry a Jewish girl, but she is converting.