Rules of conduct for men for the internet!

Feel free to pass these along if you know a man!

Yesterday an adult man I do not know decided to comment “Bess Kalb has a throbbing hard-on for Jonathan Glazer” under my Instagram post where I quoted the director Jonathan Glazer. According to a cursory glance at the commenter’s profile, he appears to be a lovely husband and father with several vaguely literary-adjacent mutual friends. Odd!

I have a few things to say about this, first of which is: I really thought about it and Jonathan Glazer is unfortunately not my type!

Secondly: I think it is time for a straightforward list of rules for adult heterosexual male conduct in a comments section, so here you (respectfully) go!

• No penis (visual)

• No penis (description)

• No sexualizing a woman’s brain and words for writing about a man’s brain and words if the woman did not bring up sex herself (she didn’t).

• No commenting anything after 10PM in your timezone.

• If your comment is after 1AM in your timezone you have to register as a sex offender at the police station.

• Only favorite a thirst trap if you KNOW the woman has a crush on you and posted it generally for you to see. (You know she has a crush on you if she has replied to you after 10PM in her timezone.)

• If your comment is over one sentence long you have to throw your phone into a running river.

• If your comment is about her face or body, even if you are in a longterm committed relationship, you have to throw your phone into a street garbage can.

• No commenting anything for any reason.

If I left anything out, please feel free to let me know in the comments (trap)!