Yesterday an adult man I do not know decided to comment “Bess Kalb has a throbbing hard-on for Jonathan Glazer” under my Instagram post where I quoted the director Jonathan Glazer. According to a cursory glance at the commenter’s profile, he appears to be a lovely husband and father with several vaguely literary-adjacent mutual friends. Odd!
I have a few things to say about this, first of which is: I really thought about it and Jonathan Glazer is unfortunately not my type!
Secondly: I think it is time for a straightforward list of rules for adult heterosexual male conduct in a comments section, so here you (respectfully) go!
No penis (visual)
No penis (description)
No sexualizing a woman’s brain and words for writing about a man’s brain and words if the woman did not bring up sex herself (she didn’t).
No commenting anything after 10PM in your timezone.
If your comment is after 1AM in your timezone you have to register as a sex offender at the police station.
Only favorite a thirst trap if you KNOW the woman has a crush on you and posted it generally for you to see. (You know she has a crush on you if she has replied to you after 10PM in her timezone.)
If your comment is over one sentence long you have to throw your phone into a running river.
If your comment is about her face or body, even if you are in a longterm committed relationship, you have to throw your phone into a street garbage can.
No commenting anything for any reason.
If I left anything out, please feel free to let me know in the comments (trap)!
"No commenting anything for any reason" should have been first on the list.
No commenting "I could have written this!" when agreeing.