President Biden's Burning Man Briefing

The transcript

President Joe Biden said Sunday that he had been briefed on the ongoing crisis at the Burning Man festival in Black Rock Desert, Nevada. Biden was in Delaware when he was asked if he had heard the news that more than 70,000 people had been stranded at the festival over the weekend due to heavy rainfall, trapping attendees in the flooding and mud. “We’re in touch with the local people,” he said, while adding he was focused on getting everyone out. - The Daily Beast

AIDE: Mr. President. Burning Man is muddy this year.

BIDEN: Dear Christ. [TO PHONE] Zelensky, I gotta call you back. [TO AIDE] Give it to me straight. How many bags of Trader Joe’s dried mangoes do the burners have left?

AIDE: Plenty, but they only planned maybe six days of outfits. They’re going to have to stretch their playa looks an additional one maybe two days. And sir, I don’t know how to say this, but, well, it seems…

BIDEN: SPIT IT OUT, GODDAMNIT.

AIDE: They can no longer manifest the sacred, transformative energy needed to uplift humanity with shrooms and dance.

BIDEN: We have to get them out of there. Call in the National Guard. Call FEMA. Call our allies. Let’s call Macron and get the drill that dug the Chunnel.

AIDE: Already done, sir.

BIDEN: How are their radical self-reliance reserves?

AIDE: Depleted. They only could deal with it being either hot and slutty or cozy and fuzzy. They can’t deal with muddy.

BIDEN: Get Jill. I need her by my side for this.

AIDE: The First Lady has been summoned. She’s on Marine One from Delaware.

BIDEN: I’ve been in politics for a long time, but I’ve never presided over a catastrophe of this magnitude. What are we dealing with in terms of port-o-potties?

AIDE: They have not been serviced in 36 hours, Mr. President.

BIDEN: I resign.