Please be nice about the $400 million plane!

Guys!! It is a GIFT from a FRIEND!!!

Hi, it’s Bess Kalb of Brooklyn, New York, and most of you — especially if you are a White House operative keeping some kind of list — know me as a lifelong, loyal Trump supporter. He is good and smart and understands what is happening in a given situation.

Which is why I am absolutely APPALLED to see how many of you have sooooo much to say about Trump accepting literally ONE gift from honestly a good friend. Yes, Qatar is openly the operating base for financiers of terrorism in the Middle East, but the plane has a SAUNA! Are we really about to let something so petty like an abhorrent record of human rights violations from the country that transferred nearly $2 billion to Hamas get in the way of a major plane upgrade? No.

Please do not read anything else I have written and then take me away with no habeas corpus.

And by the way, Trump Critics, look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t immediately throw the Constitution in the garbage to forever be in debt of a semi-constitutional monarchy that stones people for homosexuality. Emoluments Clause e-shmauluments clause. The plane has AUTO-TINTING WINDOWS. Do you expect the PRESIDENT to sit in some tin can in the sky with regular airplane windows? He’ll go BLIND. And not just to the suffering of child refugees — to EVERYTHING!

Please also do not look into my political donations or which accounts I follow on Instagram.

Look. I know everyone has a problem with Qatar suddenly, but they’re not even his most toxic friend! It’s not like he accepted a plane from North Korea! Because North Korea hasn’t offered one! Which is honestly rude considering they are literally pen pals!

And yes, everyone keeps going back to the implications of an unprecedented transactional relationship with Qatar, but maybe we need to all EVOLVE for a goddamn second and give Qatar a chance. What if it’s not an outrageous bribe designed to ensnare a greedy child who has publicly complained Air Force One since his first term, and instead it’s just a NICE GESTURE from a country that just wants to do something kind for a man who honestly deserves the best?

Also don’t Google me about what happened on Twitter re: blocking.

Anyway this is all to say that people who are all up in arms about one tiny 747 that may or may not be completely bugged need to focus on the bigger picture: White South Africans in Tommy Bahama shirts want to move to Dallas because they are embarrassed their neighbors know they supported Apartheid.

Thank you. May the white lord bless Trump. May He bless the wiretapped trick plane. And may he smite anyone who remotely doubts the good intentions of one of the top five scariest fucking countries on earth.

Please do not make life a living hell for me or my family based on my previous writings or actions.

MAGA!