Other Things You Can Do if You Don't Like Abortion

Hopefully this helps!

Hello, March for Life attendee!

Congratulations! You won! You stripped so many people of their right to privacy! I’m writing to say: We get it! Life begins at conception and ends the minute that baby protests climate change!

And though it was near-freezing and drizzly in DC on Friday, thousands and thousands of you took to the streets to celebrate the uptick in maternal mortality. You had signs and megaphones and smug - no - gleeful satisfaction at the very idea of teenage assault victims being forced to carry non-viable fetuses to term. Less inclement weather has prevented me from going to dear friends’ (non-milestone!) birthday parties, so I have to assume you really, really do not like abortion.

And while I have more serious things to say to you about my own experience, I write today to extend an olive branch of mutual aid. So, in the spirit of helping, here are some more productive things you can do instead of stand outside with megaphones yelling about stripping away a right you already stripped away:

• Bake a lovely chicken pot pie for your family.

• Learn an instrument (There are fun ukulele tutorials on YouTube!)

• Rediscover pistachio ice cream!

• Replace the batteries in your hallway smoke detector!

• Reconnect with your estranged daughter/son who won’t speak to you.

• Tell them you’re sorry.

• Say you love them.

• Explain that you were influenced by a repressed wave of hatred that is mostly directed inward, but found a politically-motivated wave of activist rhetoric that made you feel important. Made you feel heard. Made you feel an esprit de corps missing from your own marriage.

• Say that you let dogmatic religious beliefs actually cause more suffering, directly going against the very teachings you hold dear. Not to mention, the Old and New Testaments never once mention abortion, though the Mosaic law about murder clearly states that miscarriage does not involve the death of a human being.

• Cry and fall to your knees as you realize the other mythologized figures you worship - the Founding Fathers - all advocated for (and in some cases had written their own recipes for tonics that induced) abortion.

• Beg them for forgiveness.

• Accept that they need more time.

• Say you love them one more time, and that your love will never be coupled with judgment. Lest ye be judged.

• Hang up.

• Knit a lovely pair of socks.