Other Reality TV Pitches for the Trump Administration
In light of the hauntingly real Immigration show, more dystopian reality fun for everyone!
Vancing With the Stars!
Dust off your performative boots and get in line for the Hillbilly Two Step with America’s favorite Appalachian Yale Graduate! But be careful not to get too close when you do-si-do! Touch his skin, and you have 24 hours to live!
Wheel of Abortion!
In this high-stakes spin on a game show classic, four lucky contestants take their reproductive fate into their own hands — literally! — when they spin a giant wheel that will decide whether or not they have the right to bodily autonomy! Spell the word, get your right privacy as originally enshrined by Roe v. Wade! Vanna White is replaced by a disapproving Amy Coney Barrett. Too dark? Actually not dark enough!
Extreme Home Makeover: White House Edition
Roll out the unwelcome mat for Melania Trump! The elusive First Lady brings her signature scowl to darken the doorframes of unsuspecting homeowners whose lawns appear a little too green and cheerful for her taste. With her pit crew of grim Slavic construction workers, she paves over front lawns into austere, concrete hellscapes and — in a very special episode for the holidays — creates nightmarish, crimson-soaked Christmas decorations that will be sure to leave neighbors thinking “Are they okay?”
Cabinet Jeopardy!
It’s the same game as Jeopardy! but all the contestants are members of Trump’s cabinet, and the loser has to take the fall for whatever scandal/national disgrace/humiliating security fuckup perpetuated by the administration. This show will have players asking: What is an encrypted group chat?
Are You Smarter than a Parent Who Wants to Ban Books for Fifth Graders?
In this battle of wits set in a school board meeting, contestants go up against parents who want to ban books like To Kill a Mockingbird, Of Mice and Men, The Color Purple, Brave New World, and other commonly flagged texts from their children’s curricula. Host David Alan Grier asks gentle questions like, “Name one character in the book,” and “What is the vaguest outline of the plot?” and “If Adam and Eve were the first people on earth, and they had two sons, who did their sons have children with? And what about Noah and his wife?” And “Does anyone know the name of Noah’s wife? Did you know it’s not actually explicitly stated in the Bible? Some scholars say it’s Naamah and some say is Emzara, but nobody can be sure, which is insane given that she propagated all humanity, but whatever I guess?” If the parent can answer any question to David Alan Grier’s satisfaction, the book gets banned. If not, they have to read the book.
Family Feud: The Trump Kids!
It’s America’s most contentious half-siblings in a battle of “wits!” Hosted by NYU’s tallest liability Barron Trump, Tiffany goes head to heads with Junior and Eric (with Ivanka on zoom on her phone from a boat in Miami) to compete to see who gets a call from their father on their birthday! The twist? Jared wins!
The Dating Game: Step-Oedipus
Want more of Don Junior’s chinless face looking uncomfortable on television? You’re in luck! In this spin on a classic tailor-made for Donald Trump Jr.’s latest fetish, America’s least favorite heir interviews a mystery panel of eligible bachelorettes to see which one reminds him the most of Melania Trump in a twisted bid to curry favor with his disinterested father!
Hollywood Square!
You read that right — it’s “square,” singular — because the only contestant is Scott Baio. (Kid Rock cannot sit still for long enough.)
Please, TV producers, call Bess and let’s get some of these on the air! I especially want to see David Alan Grier grill parents on books they’ve never even read.
I thought Eric Trump was a dead ringer for Beavis and JD Vance is Butthead!