Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech for Girl Math

I have this prepared in case I get the call.

Members of the Nominating Committee, esteemed guests, and to my fellow honorees.

I am humbled and grateful to accept the Alfred E. Nobel Prize in Economics. During my decades in research, toiling away in futility at all hours, I nearly lost hope I would ever receive this, or any recognition for my work.

Because like many pioneers in my field, for years I was dismissed as a heretic, a lunatic, a dreamer, but this honor edifies for the world that the theory of Girl Math is real.

Though I am a woman of numbers, not words, I would like to use this moment to tell a story: It started, like so many paradigm-shifting breakthroughs, with an email from Madewell telling me that I could “Spend More to Save More with the code SPENDSAVE25.”

It was as if I could see the world in color for the first time.

Suddenly everything I knew about mathematics, economics, numerical values, and the nature of matter itself took on new meaning. If one could spend more to save more, the notion of “money” was inherently meaningless as I knew it, and what we now recognize as Girl Math was born.

As I drew in chalk on the windows of my office at Princeton, the infinite possibility became clear: Add a bathing suit, a sundress, a gold-plated ear cuff to test the waters on a cartilage piercing — one of them partially negated the others. Was it spending money? Yes. But was it saving? I couldn’t be sure. The proof alluded me. But as I entered the code and watched as the $300 I never intended to spend turned into $268.99 after shipping and tax, I knew I had the answer: By the theory of Girl Math, yes. That $268.99 going from my bank account into the poorly-sewn gingham-print pockets of Madewell is, in fact, an act of saving money.

From there, I saw that everything was connected in beautiful Girl Math symmetry. Returning an item you purchased at full price to a store for a store credit meant that buying something new would be…free.

[THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

If you pay for something in cash, that item is also free.

[GASPS, CHEERS]

If you get a massage, that is free because self-care is an investment in [DEEP BREATH] yourself.

[EVERYONE LEAPS TO THEIR FEET IN STANDING OVATION]

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my partner, my better half, a genius in his own right, my beautiful, beloved husband. My darling, as you sit there with your head in your hands, I am reminded of your sacrifice. I see you are shaking your head — you sweet, humble angel — do not be ashamed. It is all for you, my love. You have stood, wincing, beside me as I justified opening a $75 mini bar bottle of wine because the hotel room was booked on points. Year after year you have carried in packages to the house after “Cyber Monday,” knowing I was testing and testing this theory. But you, my sweet, are the theory that defies any proof. You [I TEAR UP] are the theory of everything.

[HE LEAVES]