My Son's List of Demands While I Strike
Negotiations are breaking down
Mommy,
Now that you are standing in firm solidarity with the guild that quite literally keeps me alive by guaranteeing me healthcare from the moment you — essentially for free — pushed me out of your body, you have stopped work on any television and/or film projects. Given your sudden availability, here is my list of demands:
MANDATORY TIME INCREASE AT DROP-OFF: Rather than rush off to “an important meeting,” which we in good faith know is just coffee with your friend who is also a writer, but no writing is discussed, nor is anything besides how little TIME you have to get ANYTHING done, we hold that you must stay at drop-off for ten full minutes until I am fully “settled in.”
If I approach your legs at drop-off and hold on without letting go OF MY OWN ACCORD, you must bump the time spent to 20 minutes.
If I sniffle, “But if you loved me you would stay, Mama,” you must stay silently in the classroom all day.
IF WHEN REMAINING IN THE CLASSROOM ALL DAY YOU ASK ME IF I AM GOING TO FINISH MY LUNCH, I WILL NOT EAT ANYTHING BUT PLAIN TORTILLA FOR A PERIOD OF 24 HOURS.
MANDATORY MUSEUM TRIPS MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY, TUESDAY, THURSDAY
The American Museum of Natural History is an enriching, ever-changing wonderland of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Given you now have stopped writing “EXT. HOUSE. NIGHT.” on the same screenwriting software document for six-hour stretches and “calling it a day” before walking to a coffee shop for a truly humiliating “half caff oatmilk latte” which costs as much as if not more than a planetarium show, we will now go to the museum BY SUBWAY every day I see fit.
At the museum gift shop, WHICH IS NOT CLOSED, you will purchase for me ONE small dinosaur that is too chokey for the baby.
At the museum gift shop, WHICH IS OPENED BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE INSIDE IT, you will purchase for me a solar system puzzle, and we will assemble it right there on the gift shop floor, not at home later.
IF I NAP ON THE SUBWAY HOME YOU WILL CARRY MY PRONE BODY AND THE STROLLER UP THE STEPS FROM THE PLATFORM TO THE SIDEWALK.
READING OF THREE (3), NOT TWO (2) BOOKS AT BEDTIME
While you beg the Network and Streaming CEOs for a tiny fraction of their ludicrous-to-the-point-of-incalculable profits off your guild’s creative labor so that you can afford to support me and my brother (NO NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM - IGNORE) while not going into advertising, you will have a significant increase in time to read bedtime books. The nightly minimum shall be three (3) books.
Though it was my favorite book for the past nine (9) nights, GOODNIGHT GOODNIGHT CONSTRUCTION SITE will for some reason be flatly rejected.
CAPS FOR SALE is not to be one of the books. It is too upsetting that he wears so many caps and the monkeys are frightening.
DURING HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON we will skip the monster page. His teeth are just pretend.
DURING MADELINE we will skip the tiger in the zoo part, and IMMEDIATELY AFTER she receives her surgery, we will repeat “BUT SHE IS OKAY” to each other until I am satisfied.
The deadline for meeting these demands is immediately.
Thank you for your time,
Goof
So good
Blahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!