GOOF: Can you state your name clearly into this recorder?
ME: Mom.
GOOF: Mom. And you sometimes go by “Mommy” - is that correct?
ME: Yes.
GOOF: And sometimes “Bessie?”
ME: Only Dada calls me that.
GOOF: But not me?
ME: I’d really prefer not.
GOOF: Sure sounds like you and your associate “Dada” talk in some kinda code.
ME: It’s just the name he calls me -
GOOF: Different names for different people. Must be hard to keep em all straight.
ME: Not really.
GOOF: Incredible. So - can you tell me exactly what you prepared for breakfast this morning?
ME: Oatmeal.
GOOF: Oatmeal. Nothing out of the ordinary about it?
ME: I don’t know what you mean.
GOOF: Let me be more specific. Did you add anything to the oatmeal?
ME: Oatmeal is made with lots of things - milk, cinnamon, a little yummy maple syrup…
GOOF: And what else? Now that you’re listing ingredients - anything else?
ME: I don’t recall. It was early.
GOOF: Allow me to jog your memory. Do you recognize the item in this photograph - and forgive me, Bessie-
-ME: Mama.
GOOF: Forgive me, Mama, but this is graphic. [SLIDES OVER A PHOTOGRAPH OF A BABY FOOD POUCH WITH CARTOON DANCING FRUITS AND VEGETABLES ON IT]
ME: I’ve seen a lot of pouches. I can’t be sure I know this one…
GOOF: Oh I think you’ve seen it pretty recently. Can you tell me what this magenta circle is supposed to be.
ME: Magenta! That’s a big, new color word!
GOOF: ANSWER THE QUESTION.
ME: It’s a beet. Wearing sunglasses.
GOOF: A beet. Amazing you can say it without flinching. I’ve seen a lot of sick shit in my day but a beet? And to think - a person could squeeze it into a perfectly good pot of oatmeal. That would have to be a twisted individual to pull something like that.
ME: [READING FROM A CHART FROM INSTAGRAM] Red foods are good for our heart and keep our bodies strong.
GOOF: And if you’ll indulge me - could you look at this photograph we’ll call Exhibit B?
[SLIDES OVER A POT OF OATMEAL]
ME: This is oatmeal. Mmm! Looks so good!
GOOF: Ha! You’re good. You ever act?
ME: Not really - I prefer to be behind the camera, although when I was in school I -
GOOF: Cut the bullshit! You see that magenta speck in it?
ME: I do.
GOOF: Now why does that look familiar do you think? Magenta…what else is magenta?
ME: Maybe it’s just the way this oatmeal looks!
GOOF: You think I’m a fuckin moron?
ME: Where did you lear-
GOOF: [KNOCKS HIS MILK OFF THE TABLE] YOU THINK I’M THREE-AND-A-QUARTER, LADY?
ME: I think you’re three-and-a-half.
GOOF: Look me in my gorgeous little blue eyes and tell me that ain’t a beet!
ME: …
GOOF: …
ME: I just wanted you to have a little extra fiber! And your brother loves it!
GOOF: That imbecile would eat ANYTHING! He eats KALE for Christ’s sake!
ME: You’ve eaten it before and never noticed!
GOOF: I HAVE!!!????
ME: I also added almond butter. And sometimes I add squash.
GOOF: …
ME: …
GOOF: [LIGHTS A CIGARETTE] We got what we need. [STANDS TO LEAVE]
ME: Wait! Sweetie pie?
GOOF: What.
ME: I have something you might want.
GOOF: I’m listening.
ME: Do you need to snuggle and watch Inside Out on Mama’s bed?
GOOF: Interesting. And I can change into cozies?
ME: You can change into cozies.
GOOF: And I can have all the pillows.
ME: You can have some of the pillows.
GOOF: …
ME: …
GOOF: [PUTS OUT CIGARETTE, SIGHS] You’re lucky you got Disney Plus, Bess.
ME: Mommy.
GOOF: Mom.
ME: Mama.
GOOF: Deal.
I played coed slow pitch softball well into my forties. I wanted to play on a team with each of my kids. When my son turned 16, and could play on the team he started calling me Karen. He discovered that calling out “Mom” caused every woman in the dugout to turn and look at him. Even a few in the bleachers did. After softball, he continued to call me Karen. I rather like it. People have asked me over the years if it bothers me. Why should it? He knows I’m his Mom and I certainly know I’m his Mom. He’s 50 years old, for jack’s sake! He is a wonderful person and a loving son. He can call me Karen whenever he wants to. He still sometimes calls me Mom, though. Your daughter will be an excellent police detective.
You're making me want to be a parent again! (Almost.) Okay, on second thought, I'll settle for living vicariously through you.
Meantime, consider a one-act stage play with this kind of dialogue. It's charming.