My Chaotic Phone Call With Curtis Sliwa
A Grudge Report Exclusive
The Grudge Report: Thank you for taking my call. I know you’re very busy.
Curtis Sliwa: Happy to speak with you, Beth. You caught me at a good time. I just finished conducting the cat symphony at Our Lady of Perpetual Inflammatory Bowel Disease in Staten Island.
TGR: What?
CS: Forget it! Anyway, I’m thrilled to talk to a New Yorker. The only New Yorkers Andrew Cuomo talks to are billionaire donors and gals who give him bone—
TGR: Mr. Sliwa! Please, if you could —
CS: — It’s Sir Sliwa, Betsy. I was knighted by a suit of armor that fell on me in the Cloisters.
TGR: Okay. “Sir” Sliwa, I think a lot of people in this city have the same two major questions for you: What is your platform, and why are you staying in this race?
CS: I'll answer your first question, Bart. I have two words for you: Thanksgiving Day Parade.
TGR: That’s three words, and I’m not exactly sure how that’s a platform.
CS: I’m talking floats. Big ones — not just Snoopy and the muppets and that queer [expletive]. I’m talking real, New York icons. The giant, inflatable rat the teamsters put outside union-busting job sites. A Frank Sinatra impersonator throwing cigarettes at the crowd. And, of course, yours truly on a flatbed surrounded by my Red Beret Rockettes!
TGR: That sounds…festive. But do you have any ideas to lower the cost of living in the city?
CS: You think those parade cigarettes are cheap? Think about it! The smokers get a handout and the hippie nonsmokers can barter them for bongo drums or whatever! Only thing Andrew Cuomo ever gave New Yorkers is COVID and the heebie jeebies, that Grim Creeper.
TGR: I’m hearing a lot of animosity towards Andrew Cuomo, but what about your other opponent, Zohran Mamdani? You seem to reserve your criticism of him in interviews and during the debate.
CS: I’m glad you asked. Mr. Mandela is a good kid, easy on the eyes, really POPS on camera. Gorgeous head of hair. Smile that knocks the beret right off your head. But his ideas are coo coo bananas, and he has no idea how to get ‘em done. And if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s get things done in this city.
TGR: How is that?
CS: Let’s say, for the sake of argument, a respectable business owner needs a liquor license. You find the guy who’s in your way, you show up at his mother’s house with a gun, and tell her if he doesn’t give you the permit, you’ll be back in a less reasonable mood. Then you have your guys tail him. When he sends his goons to your place of business, your men ambush him with crowbars, bing bang boom, kneecaps are shattered. Drop him off at Vinny the Veterinarian under the BQE as a sign of good faith, and wait for the red tape to magically disappear.
TGR: Oh my. Okay. That sounds…unorthodox.
CS: That’s me, Baby Bettina. I’m as unorthodox as a rabbi for Mamdani.
TGR: Right. But, do you have a plan to make New York more affordable? Zohran Mamdani does have a clearly articulated plan to build 200,000 new affordable housing units and freeze the rent.
CS: Why freeze the rent? My rent is $416 plus $8 a month for the landlady to starch my shirts. Any meal at any restaurant north of 118th Street is comped. And taxis are free if the blood loss knocks you out by the time you reach your destination.
TGR: This feels less like the New York I live in, and more like a mid-’70s Scorsese fever dream?
[SOUND OF SCREECHING TIRES]
CS: Ahhhhhh! WHO SENT YOU? How did you find me? Get the [expletive] outta my cab!!! You [expletive expletive] son of a French [expletive].
[GUNSHOTS, LOUD SIRENS]
TGR: Mr. Sliwa, are you alright?