Leonardo DiCaprio's Breakup Picture Book For His Girlfriends

On the occasion of their 25th birthday

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

*

You’re on your own.

And you know what you know.

You’re the ol’ lady

Who’ll decide where you go.

*

Oh!
The yachts you will board!

The English footballers you’ll kiss

The places you will climb

On Maxim’s Hot 100 list

*

Maybe you’ll marry a quarterback

Or the frontman of a band

Or someone who speaks a language

That you actually understand.

*

And now you’re free to pollute the air

In jets and SUVs!

You can talk of topics other than

Climate change and bees!

*

And now that you’re old and 25

There’s so much you can do.

Be the face of Metamucil!

Endorse a calcium chew!

*

And maybe you’ll see me soon

At the Tower Bar or AmfAR Gala

And maybe you’ll be alone

Or on the arm of Wilmer Valderrama

*

But I hope that many years from now

Fate unites us once again

At our old favorite café

By the river Seine

*

We’ll laugh at the coincidence

On that golden summer day

And kiss each other on the cheeks

In that Parisian way.

*

And I’ll order us two champagnes

And one hot lemon water

For us and my new girlfriend

Your 19-year-old daughter.