Joe Biden reads celebrity open letters about the situation in Israel and Gaza

A transcript

AIDE: Mr. President, sorry to interrupt - there's been a letter. A celebrity open letter addressed to you.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I gotta call you back, Bibi. [SLAMS PHONE DOWN] Hand it over.

AIDE: As you can see, sir, over two hundred artists signed it.

BIDEN: It says here, “Ceasefire…now?”

AIDE: That’s what they’re saying.

BIDEN: Jesus Christ they got Diplo and Channing Tatum.

AIDE: The list is very cool.

BIDEN: Any Jews on the list?

AIDE: You might want to rephrase that, sir.

BIDEN: Damnit, son, if I’m going to engage on this I need to know if there are Jews who signed it.

AIDE: Jon Stewart…

BIDEN: Oh, you mean Jon Liebowitz?

AIDE: Good point, sir. How about Rachel Sennott?

BIDEN: No go. She just played Jewish in Shiva Baby. Terrific film.

AIDE: Indeed. Great to see a female-driven micro budget Indie resonate with audiences. And even though she’s not Jewish, she ultimately helped Jewish representat-

BIDEN: - OK, give it here. Richard Gere, good, good. Wednesday Adams, love her. The Hadid sisters. Patti Smith…This list is all over the place!

AIDE: There’s also a strong showing from the politically savvy, DSA-adjacent alt comedian space…

BIDEN: Hold on a minute - Jennifer Lopez!?! Damnit, why didn’t you lead with that? Am I going to be remembered as the first American President who went against J. Lo?

AIDE: Of course not, sir.

BIDEN: So it’s settled. Ceasefire now.

AIDE: OK. Well -

BIDEN: What?

AIDE: There’s - there’s another letter. Another celebrity open letter.

BIDEN: Fucking hell.

AIDE: This one is called “No Hostage Left Behind.”

BIDEN: Oy. They went with that Bush-era phrasing? Doesn’t bode well. Who’s on it?

AIDE: Power Jews, sir. A lot of big names. This one is more establishment, the other one has more of a cool Sundance afterparty vibe.

BIDEN: Let me see it. [TAKES LETTER] Dear President Biden….ok skipping to the names. Holy shit this is one hell of a list.

AIDE: It is, Mr. President.

BIDEN: Adam Sandler. Aaron Sorkin. Billy Crystal. And if I’m reading this correctly, they got all the male leads of Mad Men.

AIDE: But the cast of Succession is on the other list…And The Bear.

BIDEN: Damnit, so hard to choose.

AIDE: What about the messages, sir?

BIDEN: Not now, Peterson. Oh look - this one has Wilde and Sudeikis. That’s sweet. Nice to see.

AIDE: Yes it is. So what’s the call, sir?

BIDEN: You know who ultimately makes the calls here…

AIDE: She…she hasn’t weighed in, Mr. President.

BIDEN: [PUSHES BOTH LETTERS OFF THE RESOLUTE DESK, THEY FLUTTER TO THE OVAL OFFICE CARPET. HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND RUBS HIS EYES. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]

BIDEN: Peterson?

AIDE: Yes, Mr. President?

BIDEN: Tell Air Force One we’re going to Maui.

AIDE: Of course.

BIDEN: We’re asking Oprah.