I Moderate a Panel Discussion With the Medication in My System: A Transcript
A conversation about depression and anxiety to make you feel less alone on a Sunday evening
BESS KALB: I want to start by thanking you all for being here today. I know with the hassle of insurance approvals, pharmacy hours, and the baby’s nap schedule it’s a miracle you all showed up, so my sincerest gratitude.
[POLITE APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE OF VITAL ORGANS]
BESS: My first question is for the anxiety medication. I know there’s a lot of controversy around you, and just to clear the air, could you speak a little bit to that if you could?
ANXIETY MEDICINE: Wow. Ok! Ha! Hi! Putting me on the spot right off the gate? Right out off the bat! Off the bat out of the gate! Whew! Don’t let me talk til I’ve had my coffee, am I right? But make it a decaf! Or I’ll explode! Kidding! Haha!
[AUDIENCE IS SILENT, NOBODY LAUGHS]
ANXIETY: Sorry. What was the question?
BESS: No need to apologize -
- ANXIETY: Sorry.
BESS: I was asking if you could address the widespread notion that there’s some kind of stigma attached to you. Your thoughts?
ANXIETY: I’m sorry, are anyone else’s palms really itchy right now? Is there some kind of horse dander in the air? Did somebody bring a horse? Oh my god am I having a stroke?
BESS: You’re fine. Why don’t we come back to you later. Moving on to the stomach stuff. There are three of you who work together amazingly well to keep the autoimmune disease in check for years now. But at what cost? Some have said the side effects are - oh I see there’s someone in the audience with a question. Ma’am, if you could just wait until the end and we -
WHITE BLOOD CELL: Actually, ma’am, I have just as much of a right to ask a question as you. I’m a proud white blood cell, and I am tired of being suppressed just for the sake of me not accidentally attacking your vital organs.
BESS: You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but -
WHITE BLOOD CELL: Why are my rights as a WHITE cell less important than your digestive system rupturing and you bleeding out internally?
DIGESTIVE MEDICINE: If I could - I hear you and I hear your anger. Being an immunosuppressant isn’t easy. Throw a pandemic into the mix and you’re looking at a perfect storm for anxiety and depression to swoop in just because we’re doing our jobs, which is keeping everyone here employed by keeping this panel’s moderator alive.
BESS: I’m glad you brought up depression. Depression, you’ve been a bit quiet.
DEPRESSION MEDICINE: You haven’t acknowledged me.
BESS: Maybe you could try to take a swing at the question I posed to Anxiety at the top of the panel?
DEPRESSION: Oh. [LONG PAUSE] I wasn’t listening. Can you repeat the question?
BESS: No worries sure thing - I was wondering if you could speak to the stigma around publicly acknowledging you and anxiety medication being here today?
DEPRESSION: Of course. I would say the stigma is bullshit. Brain chemistry is the same as body chemistry. A misfiring of serotonin reuptake inhibitors doesn’t make you weak or bad. And suffering is not a virtue and doesn’t make you “better at art.” You’ve written your best things on me, for example, because you are much more productive and lucid when you’re not hobbled by a self-defeating, self-destructive brain fog that you inherited from, let’s face it, thousands of years of Jewish inbreeding. I shouldn’t be hidden away. I should be celebrated. I’m the reason despite a super traumatic birth you never had major postpartum depression. I’m the reason you can take care of two kids and yourself and work and even make time to Postmates dinner for your husband at the end of the day. Jokes! See? You can even do jokes! People say I’m some “Brave New World” life-numbing agent, but I’m not. I’m a life-giving agent. So fuck them. Fuck their ignorance. And fuck their stigma.
ANXIETY: Have you ever considered that if Bess did more mindfulness meditation or went outside more she wouldn’t need me or you and clinical depression is a myth manufactured by big pharma to sell drugs to childr-.
DEPRESSION: Stop. Stop that. Fuck you. Anyone telling you that has not gone to medical school and is trying to sell you supplements or depressed and in deep denial. It’s crazy - no offense, Bess -
BESS: None taken!
DEPRESSION: It’s crazy to me that we still have to face this kind of bullshit. That people feel the need to diminish their medical realities by saying “Oh I’m just on a tiny dose.”
BESS: But I really am just on a tiny dose!
DEPRESSION: Oh you coward. Speaking of which - look what you need to do to have an honest discussion of depression and anxiety: A fake panel comedy construct. “Oh look at my little comedic device, aren’t I precious and clever?” Not especially. If a “bit” is what you need to feel comfortable and safe talking about something personal, that’s on you. But the reality is you’re a human who has a very common disease that just isn’t talked about out loud in public.
BESS: Why do you think that is?
DEPRESSION: Because people hear “depression” and think of Vincent Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain and Virginia Woolf, but in reality it’s just regular people doing their best and taking their pills and living to tell the tale. Stigma is what kills people because it prevents them from getting the help they need. And these past few years of pandemic isolation has caused skyrocketing cases and there just isn’t enough access to medical care. Especially for adolescents. The fact that politicians call out mental health issues after a national tragedy and then ignore it when it’s time to pass comprehensive, universal healthcare legislation means we’re doing nothing as a society to get better. It’s important to ask for help when you need it. And it’s important help is available and accessible and affordable when you ask. Because Bess is just one of forty million adults in this country with depression, and all forty million of those people should be able to write their little comedy pieces, take care of their kids, hold down a bunch of jobs, and still make time to Postmates a burrito for their husbands at night.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS HER BRAVERY. SHE PASSES OUT AND IS WHEELED OFF STAGE WHERE IT WILL TAKE HER A FULL EVENING ONCE THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP TO SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING.]
ANXIETY: Bess?
BESS: Yes?
ANXIETY: Can we watch Downton Abbey until you fall asleep tonight?
BESS: Sure.
TYLENOL IN THERE FOR SOME REASON THAT EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT: Jesus fucking Christ.
I must write Dahlia Lithwick a thank-you note for introducing you to me, even if she didn’t really know she did and couldn’t care less one way or the other and probably just gives notes like that to the cat for something to sit on. She has a cat, right? She should have a cat. Anyway, this was wonderful and I love you enough to pay for you even though I’m selling off half my Gudrun Sjoden clothes on Facebook to pay for the diet and exercise coach, which makes my husband happy because he thinks they make me look like a 12th century nomad on acid.
Once again, Bess nails it. I should probably take this as a sign to restart anti-depressants but I’ll ignore the glaring signal and return to falling asleep in the midst of large family gatherings under the guise of “motherhood.” Also, my progesterone-only “mini pill” that is the only oral contraceptive pill that can be taken while breastfeeding and also *must* be taken at the exact same time every day regardless of baby’s current nap schedule/nursing strike would like to enter the conversation as well.