Hey, mamas! You’ve made it past the one-year mark and you’re ready to wean! Getting your little one off the boob can be hard, but this no-fail, step-by-step guide can help get even the most stubborn little nursers gain milk-independence in no time.
Decoy! Decoy! Decoy!
Build a life-size, anatomically correct mannequin of yourself using papier-mâché, paint, and a wig! By the time your wee one finds out the decoy is not you, but instead a heap of wet fabric and glue, he will be too traumatized to remember why he crawled up to “her” in the first place!
Guilt!
Show your sweet pea a picture of you in a bathing suit before he was born. Point to how perky and great everything was. Then cry and cry until he puts together what he has done to you.
Canada!
Nobody is in the part of Canada that is on fire! Go there and hide out for a while until you are forgotten!
Explain to the baby the toll it is taking on your life!
Look your baby in the eye and say, “I am in a Sisyphean loop where I indulge your needs, then can’t meet the deadlines I set for myself, and then panic that I’m not going to earn enough money to meet even more of your needs. The feeling of being tethered to you is both the most satisfying and frustrating paradox of my current existence and the best thing for both of us is if you didn’t scream for my tits any time you happen to look up and notice me. All of my relatives think it’s a problem and as much as I try to ignore their judgment, I know there is a kernel of truth to their major complaint that I’m not able to fully re-enter the world and recoup the independence I so desperately need as a person. But is that a maternal fallacy to begin with? Won’t I always be tethered to you? Oh God you’re crying. Ok come here. Fine. Nurse.”
Do it Tomorrow!
Tomorrow’s the day. Unless he’s falls and gets a scrape. Or looks at you. Or wakes up from a nap a little upset. Then shoot for the day after tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. Or the day after that.
honestly this is the only way my kid stopped -https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1483933830/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1.
I cried and cried and then when I was actually fed up done, they also stopped. Took a week. Also blebs and plugged ducts and hormonal swings and general unpleasantness. It is a major event, you aren't doing it wrong. Now my weaned-for-a-year 3.5yo is obsessed with talking (and shouting) about boobs, so you have that to look fwd to!