How to Talk Your Mother Down From a Cliff After She Reads Any News Article

A play in one act

MOM, ON A CLIFF: Hi, sweetheart.

YOU: Hi! Why does it sound so windy where you are?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: Well, I read an article in a popular magazine and now I am bracing myself on the edge of a cliff over a 5,000-foot abyss.

YOU: Oh no! You should come down!

MOM, ON A CLIFF: I really wish I could, but after that article, I’m afraid this is the situation I’m in.

YOU: Is there anything I could say at this point that could possibly bring you back to solid ground?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: Unfortunately not. It seems the entire world has gone insane so the only place for me to be is dangling here, just barely holding onto a branch.

YOU: I hear you. Is it possible the article does not affect your life in any way whatsoever?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: I don’t understand.

YOU: That maybe the whole world is exactly how it always was, and the article is just doing what articles do?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: What do articles do?

YOU: Exploit a hot niche take to sell intrigue?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: But that would mean discourse is not the same thing as culture.

YOU: That’s right.

MOM, ON A CLIFF: That would mean there’s an entire industry based on sensationalism and voyeurism and schadenfreude.

YOU: Media. Yes.

MOM, ON A CLIFF: And now there are hundreds and hundreds of people like me all along this precipice just dangling in the wind together.

YOU: You guys should all try to get back to where it’s not a cliff.

MOM, ON A CLIFF: Sweetie?

YOU: Yes, mom?

MOM, ON A CLIFF: Are you doing the trend that the article was about?

YOU: No, I’m not. But [REDACTED and REDACTED] are.

MOM, STEPPING BACKWARDS AWAY FROM THE CLIFF’S EDGE: Really!

YOU: Yes.

MOM: Does [REDACTED] know?

YOU: Yes. Everyone knows. Everyone always knows.

MOM: I’ve got to call [REDACTED].

YOU: Ok! Bye! Love you!

MOM: Oh - just seeing the news - never mind.

YOU: What happened?

MOM: She fell off the cliff.