How to save your Thanksgiving dinner conversation

If everything goes wrong, three options.

2024 has been a politically fraught year at home and abroad, and family gatherings are primed for conversational disaster. So, should an unpleasant blowup happen, here are some ways to fix everything and restore harmony.

(You can send this to all your relatives so they can cue it up the moments things go horribly south.)

OPTION 1: IF THERE ARE CHILDREN

YOU: (SMILING!) We have all said some things, and though we disagree on many key issues, we can all agree on some fundamental ideas.

RELATIVE 1: Even though some of us believe women are no longer humans the moment they are no longer inside a uterus, we can all agree there are some women who are great.

RELATIVE 2: Cynthia Erivo in Wicked.

RELATIVE 3: Ariana Grande in Wicked.

YOU: Yes. Cynthia Erivo in Wicked and Ariana Grande in Wicked are great. And now, [CHILD 1] is going to stand and sing Defying Gravity in harmony with me.

CHILD 1: GRABS BROOM, SINGS DEFYING RAVITY [YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE CAR RIDE TO TEACH THEM HOW TO HOLD A HARMONY DURING THE DUET. A LITTLE PITCHINESS IS FORGIVABLE BUT THEY NEED TO NAIL “WESTERN SKY,” “FLYING FREE,” AND “MESSAGE BACK FROM MEEEEE.”]

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OPTION 2: NUCLEAR OPTION

YOU: Well, that certainly was an interesting version of events about Israel from Aunt [TBD], and she clearly has been reading the works of the great historian Noa Tishby. But this is not the time for infighting.

RELATIVE 1: This is not a time for squabbling.

RELATIVE 2: This is a time for coming together, despite our differences.

RELATIVE 3: While each side of this believes they are fundamentally good and the other side fundamentally wicked…

YOUR PARTNER: [PROMISE HIM WHATEVER IT TAKES SO HE/SHE DOES THIS] I think we can all agree to embrace a little diversity of opinion, even if it is….unpopular.

YOU: [SING “POPULAR” FROM WICKED IN ITS ENTIRETY WHILE FLITTING AROUND EVERYONE, YOU WILL NEED TO BE DRUNK TO PULL THIS OFF BUT IT WILL BE GREAT]

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OPTION 3: BIG FINISH

YOU: Thank you, Cousin [TBD], for that rousing endorsement of Joe Rogan. You certainly revealed more about your own fragility than his masculinity.

RELATIVE 1: And thank you Uncle [TBD] for explaining why Donald Trump actually “knows what he’s doing.”

RELATIVE 2: It is so tempting to valorize a man who talks a big game with little to back up his claims.

RELATIVE 3: Which is why I will now hand Cousin TBD and Uncle TBD a special poem to read out loud, in unison, together.

UNLE AND COUSIN, IN UNISON, TOGETHER:

When I meet the Wizard
Once I prove my worth
And then I meet the Wizard
What I've waited for since, since birth
And with all his Wizard wisdom
By my looks, he won't be blinded
Do you think the Wizard is dumb?
Or like Munchkins so small-minded?
No, he'll say to me I see who you truly are
A girl on whom I can rely
And that's how we'll begin
The Wizard and I

Once I'm with the Wizard
My whole life will change
'Cause once you're with the Wizard
No one thinks you're strange
No father is not proud of you
No sister acts ashamed
And all of Oz has to love you
When by the Wizard, you're acclaimed
And this gift or this curse
I have inside
Maybe at last, I'll know why
When we are hand in hand
The Wizard and I!

EVERYONE: [APPLAUDS!]