How to please men

An openly hostile gift guide, with love

Grudgepeople,

A week ago I invited you all to send in your gift conundrums and so many of you described variations on the same husband/boyfriend/partner that I briefly wondered if my entire readership were one polycule. The brothers and fathers-in-law and dads were all eerily similar as well. At a certain point, all the heterosexual men in your lives congealed into one giant blob man-amoeba obsessing over its kitchen gadgets and “buying [itself] whatever [it] wants.”

Of course, there were subtle variations in The Men. In fact, there seems be a clear taxonomy of Significant Adult Men in the Lives of Women, and so I have divided them into three neat categories. And before you accuse me of reducing men, who contain multitudes, into mere stereotypes, I’ll say: Too bad. And if they have a problem with this, they can weep into one of these perfect gifts. Here are the categories.

• The Rustic Gentleman of Finer Things

• The Gadget Nerd Who Bakes/Cooks

• The Beergrill Sportscomedyguy
  

And here are the perfect goddamn gifts for each: