Horror Movie Premises Based on My Life

From the twisted mind requiring two melatonin gummies nightly

• “THE PREFACE”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until one terrifying night she is out to dinner with people she does not know well, and Bess mentions she gave birth in a hospital, at which point one of the strangers sighs and says: “I say this with love, but…”

• “GOT OUT”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until one terrifying night her kid manages to swing his leg out of the crib, climbs out, and walks into her room saying, “All done sleepin, Mama!”

• “THE CONTRACT”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until the terms of the deal she signed with a major studio indicate she won’t be paid a single cent for ten months of development work unless a streamer buys the pitch.

• “ENDSUMMMER”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until she learns that her two-year-old’s first day of preschool and her older child’s first day of kindergarten are on the same morning at the same time on opposite sides of town, prompting her to say to her grandmother who lost extended family in the Holocaust, “It’s a real Sophie’s Choice!”

• “THE KNIFE”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until the recipe she was following suddenly requires a technique called “chiffonade.”

• “GUESTS”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until the people staying with her for the weekend casually mention one of them is not just vegan, but also “not doing a ton of gluten right now.”

• “STOP TO END”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, who has lived a quiet life for four years, until one day a picture of a politician she has spent significant time discussing in therapy fills her screen, “HI, BESS,” the text begins, “IN 2016, I THOUGHT I COULD DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP. BUT MY FRIEND KAMALA HARRIS…”

• “A GOOD GUY”

  Everything is seemingly normal for oblivious and simple Bess, until she has a glass of “chef’s wine” while taking a break from “chiffonade”ing the basil, and goes on Instagram. A good person she has known for decades re-posts a men’s rights account’s talking point to his stories. She ignores it. Two separate mutual friends text her the screenshot. “Fuck it,” Bess thinks, engaging over DM, “I’ll be the one to convince him this is misguided.”