We’ve all been there. One minute everything is smooth sailing and the next you’re being mauled by an aggressive cheetah who mistook your beige sweater for the hide of a wildebeest. Remember to breathe, mama, and stick to a few simple strategies for getting things back on track and reclaiming some authority over the situation.
Keep Your Calm.
It’s definitely not your first instinct, but the most important thing you can do is not to meet the cheetah where she is. When the attack starts, take a beat and remember: She’s not thinking rationally right now, but you can. As she viciously tears your skin from your leg muscle with her fangs and claws, you might want to raise your voice. Normal! But shrieking ultimately helps no one and only teaches the cheetah that it’s okay to react with emotion. Instead, if you model kindness or the blood loss reaches a critical index and you slip into unconsciousness, she’ll realize you’re not fighting back and lose interest anyway.
Redirect!
If there’s one thing an apex predator does not want to hear, it’s “No!” Set limits with minimal pushback by letting the big game cat know what she can do instead. For example, if you find it unacceptable that she’s piercing through your ligaments with her incisors, say (calmly!) “I’m not going to let you devour my flesh, but I will let you eat the gazelle I noticed by a nearby watering hole.” This invitation to work together on a solution will come as a refreshing change of pace after all your helpless flailing under the grip of her snarling fangs. When you see her rounded ears fold backwards and her hind legs retract, you’ll know she’s ready to channel that energy to a more productive place.
Embrace Alone Time
It’s less a time out and more a re-centering moment for reflection. When the cheetah just isn’t in a place where she can successfully listen and redirect, feel free to take a breather and separate yourself from the mauling. As her eyes narrow onto your jugular, tell her, “Mama does not feel comfortable with the way you’re using your body right now, so I am going on the other side of this door.” Even if you have to leave a limb (or two!) behind with her, getting to the other side of that door is the best thing for you both. And yes - she may claw through the wood in a matter of minutes, but even that small amount of alone time will give her a sense of an important boundary without making her feel “punished.”
And most of all, when you’re really in the thick of it and a major artery gets severed, remember: Attacking is a perfectly normal part of every cheetah’s development and before you know it, she’ll be rolling around in a patch of switchgrass. And you’ll be dead.
dark and pretty much exactly representative of my week with my 2.5 year old cheetah.
My epitaph will likely read “She died trying to pet a cheetah.”