Hey, girlies! Summer is officially here and now that the temperatures are rising, there’s never been a better time to turn up the heat on your love life. Here are a few tips and some no-fail tricks to get the guy in your life to acknowledge your right to bodily autonomy despite the law of the land!
Tie One On!
Surprise him with a tubal ligation! Once your fallopian tubes can no longer excrete an ovum into your uterus, he’ll have no choice but to see you as a human being, and not a birthing vessel to be governed by a Republican-appointed judicial majority!
Ditch Your Baggage!
Treat yourself to a total or partial hysterectomy! When your uterus is gone, so is your usefulness as human chattel! An added flirty bonus: Those early menopause hot flashes mean you’ll be showing lots of extra skin :)
Flee to Canada!
What relationship doesn’t need the occasional change of scenery? A little trip across the northern border will have him seeing you in a new light — one where you can control your reproductive healthcare decisions and select from a variety of gravy-based french fry toppings! Yum!
Grow Vagina Dentata!
Cat got your tongue? Once he starts talking about “turning you in for a bounty,” it can feel like your relationship has run its course. Don’t despair! Next time he goes “down there,” a simple set of vaginal teeth chomping down at the right moment will ensure he never kisses and tells on anyone again! Girl power!
Start a New Matriarchal Civilization in Shipping Units in New Zealand Like Holly Hunter in “Top of the Lake”
Bring your caftans, ladies! It’s a separatist commune!
Scream and Scream and Scream and Scream
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Compliment Him!
Meet a cute guy at a bar but don’t know how to break the ice? A little ego stroking goes a long way! Tell him you’ve seen him on the news recently and you’re a big fan. He’ll love that! Once he’s thoroughly charmed and disarmed (literally! check!), invite him back to your place for a nightcap. When he says “I’m flattered, but I’m married.” laugh and say, “So am I! Just a friendly drink…” As you’re leaving the bar, a black van with no license plate will screech to a halt in front of you. The door slides open revealing the ladies from the commune you tried to start but decided to leave because there wasn’t any indoor plumbing. They’re all in ski masks and black clothing. He’ll go “What the fuck is this?” and just as he turns to you for answers, karate chop him in the pressure point that makes him pass out immediately. Drag him into the van and slam the door shut and you’ll speed away. When he wakes up, he’ll be tied to a chair, groggy and furious. “This is a kidnapping! You can’t do this!” he’ll shriek, tears in his eyes. “Oh?” you’ll say demurely, playing with your hair (to draw attention to your neck and collar bone). “Your body?” then pause until it dawns on him. “Your choice?”
Love it! :) Hot Gilead summer fun! What will he become, I wonder ... how about a male Handmaid? What would that be called? ... Hmmm ... maybe HandJobBoy? HandKnave? HandFool?
I'm looking forward to more of your great dating advice!
I'm here for the gravy-coated fries. And the screaming. And the ligation. Heck, I'm in for it all. Sent up the flare, I'll bring a few friends. [Once again, hitting it out of the park and making me snort all over my computer.]