Explanations I Have Given My Son for Where the Moms are in Disney Movies

On calming an hysterically crying 3-year-old with a fever

FINDING NEMO: Nemo’s mom and all hundred of his siblings got a little bit jostled by that big silly fish and went to a special, different shell just off the iPad screen! See where I’m pointing? Over here! After the movie, which does not contain any sharks, Nemo and his dad and Dory all find Nemo’s mom and all his brothers and sisters and they have a big snuggle party on the back of the manta ray. Nemo’s mom loves Nemo’s stories about his very long game of hide-and-seek with his dad. Everyone laughs and has a snack and it’s fine.

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FROZEN: Elsa and Anna’s mom and dad went on a trip on a nice, safe boat. They had so much fun splashing in the waves on their boat that they decided to go scuba diving! Since Elsa and Anna are too little to go scuba diving they have to wait until they grow up in order to join them on the scuba trip. Because they are magic, it only took them a three-minute song to grow up! When the movie is over (90 minutes), they go find their parents and everyone has a great time scuba diving together. They even eat French fries for dinner because it’s vacation!

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THE LION KING: Simba’s dad was so sad that Simba didn’t follow the rules that he decided to take a nap. Simba is very sad, but he feels better because he meets some new silly friends, Timon and Pumba! They make jokes about tushies and say “No worries!” If you ever feel sad you can just make jokes and say “get over it!” instead of confronting your feelings and you will be exactly as well-adjusted as Mommy. Oh no.

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RATATOUILLE: Remy’s mom is working on her book and a few other projects she can’t talk about yet. She’s sorry she has to be away in her office for (literally 4) hours a day but she’s going to dedicate the book to Remy and his little baby rat brother, so that’s good! Remy’s mom is a hero and we love her.

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BAMBI: This movie does not exist.