EXCLUSIVE: Situation Room Transcript, March 24, 2025

A Grudge Report leak

This morning, President of the United States took to his social network “Truth Social” to share the following message with the known world:

This afternoon The Grudge Report received the following audio from an early morning meeting in the Situation Room, transcribed here without edits.

CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF: Gentlemen. Designated woman named Kayleigh with a sparkly crucifix necklace. Thank you for being here so early this morning. I’m sure you know why we’ve assembled.

GENERAL 1: The war in Gaza.

CHAIRMAN: No.

GENERAL 2: The war in Yemen?

CHAIRMAN: No.

GENERAL 3: The war in Ukraine.

CHAIRMAN: No. Ha. Of course not. So much worse than any of that. Our president was brutally attacked.

ALL GENERALS MURMUR IN CONCERNED DISBELIEF

GENERAL 1: Another assassination attempt? But we gave the liberals TWO Sunday night prestige TV shows as part of Operation Pacifier.

GENERAL 2: And a new HAIM album.

GENERAL 3: Was it the Russians?

CHAIRMAN: No.

GENERAL 1: The North Koreans?

CHAIRMAN: No.

KAYLEIGH: The Jewishes?

CHAIRMAN: Maybe. It was a painter. A woman painter out of Colorado. Sarah Boardman. Here’s a surveillance tap into her home through the last time she used her iPad, around 6pm Mountain Time.