Death Cons 1 through 10

A definitive guide to a new anti-Semitic terminology!

After a celebrity unleashed his latest in a string of bigoted social media posts, a national media cycle has been overtaken by many questions around hate rhetoric, censorship, and the rising tide of anti-Semitism in America, but one question remains unanswered: What in G-d’s name is “death con?” Here is the definitive guide to the various numerical levels one might deploy to thwart “our agenda.”

Death Con 1:

Adding dairy to a soup that doesn’t necessarily traditionally have dairy in it.

Death Con 2:

Casting a non-Jewish actor to play a real Jewish historical figure whose Jewish identity was central to their renown.

Death Con 3:

Going off your medication and tweeting threats against Jews, then getting kicked off Twitter and Instagram.

Death Con 4:

Dunkin Donuts Bagels.

Death Con 5:

I can’t explain it but Yankee Candle.

Death Con 6:

Bringing up Stephen Miller, Jared Kushner, or Ivanka Trump in conversation about Judaism.

Death Con 7:

Your Lyft shows up and it’s a Volkswagon.

Death Con 8:

Trying on high-waisted, non-stretch jeans.

Death Con 9:

Holding all Jews responsible as a monolith for violence against Palestinians in Israel.

Death Con 10:

Humidity.