After a celebrity unleashed his latest in a string of bigoted social media posts, a national media cycle has been overtaken by many questions around hate rhetoric, censorship, and the rising tide of anti-Semitism in America, but one question remains unanswered: What in G-d’s name is “death con?” Here is the definitive guide to the various numerical levels one might deploy to thwart “our agenda.”
Death Con 1:
Adding dairy to a soup that doesn’t necessarily traditionally have dairy in it.
Death Con 2:
Casting a non-Jewish actor to play a real Jewish historical figure whose Jewish identity was central to their renown.
Death Con 3:
Going off your medication and tweeting threats against Jews, then getting kicked off Twitter and Instagram.
Death Con 4:
Dunkin Donuts Bagels.
Death Con 5:
I can’t explain it but Yankee Candle.
Death Con 6:
Bringing up Stephen Miller, Jared Kushner, or Ivanka Trump in conversation about Judaism.
Death Con 7:
Your Lyft shows up and it’s a Volkswagon.
Death Con 8:
Trying on high-waisted, non-stretch jeans.
Death Con 9:
Holding all Jews responsible as a monolith for violence against Palestinians in Israel.
Death Con 10:
Humidity.
Ye is an idiot ... and I think my favorite is Death Con 5. Thanks for using your humor to punch back.
And please don’t anybody light a Yankee Candle. We might survive wildfire smoke but Pumpkin Spice Orange Dream is going to get us for sure.
Well, those make as much sense as could be expected of anti-Semitic MAGA fools. There is nothing about the MAGA dolts that is actually rational.